
READY-MADE SUIT 



a llock JTrial 



BY 

F. E. CHASE, 

AUTHOR OF "THE GREAT UMBRELLA CASE," ETC. 



BOSTON: 
WALTER H. BAKER AND COMPANY, 

No. lo Milk Stkeet. 



BY GEORGE M. BAKER, 

Author of " Amateur Dramas," " The Mimic Stage," *' The Social Stage" ^* The Drawing- 
Room Stage" '' Handy Dramas," " The Exhibition Drama ^ "A Baker's Dozen," etc. 
Titles in this Type are New Plays. 
Titles in this Type are Temperance Plays. 



ft 



DHAKAS. 

/« Four Acts. 

Better Than Gold. 7 male, 4 I'emale 
char. 

/« Three Acts. 

Our Folks. 6 male, 5 female char. . , 
Tlie Flower of the Family, 5 

male, 3 female char 

Enlisted for the War. 7 male, 3 fe- 
male characters *•• 

Mv Brother's Keeper. 5 male, 3 fe- 
male char .. 

Tlie Little Brown Jug, 5 male, 3 

female char >... 

In Two Acts. 

^hove the Clouds. 7 male, 3 female 
characters 

f>ne Hundred Years Ago. 7 male, 
4 female char. ...-. 

\mong the Breakers. 6 male, 4 female 

chai. 

tREAD ON the Waters. 5 male, 3 female 
char 

(;o\VN BY THK Sea. 6 male, 3 female 
char 

Ince ON A Time. 4 male, 2 female char, 

J./te Last Loaf, 5 male, 3 female char. 
In One Act. 

Stand bv the F^ag. 5 male char . 

The Tempter. 3 male, i female char. 

COMEDIES AND FARCES. 

A. Mysterious Disappearance. /, 

mai'.', 3 female char 

?addle Your Own Canoe. 7 male, 

3 tc:inale char. . 

A. Drop too Much 4 male, 2 female 

characters 

>l Little More Cider. 5 male, 3 fe- 

mae char 

.-: Thorn Among the Rosks. 2 male, 6 

fern. lie char. 

Never Say Die. .3 male, 3 female char. 
3;-EiNG the Elephant. 6 niaje, 3 female 

char 

The Boston* Dip. 4 male, 3 female char. 
The D(jche.ss of Dublin. 6 male, 4 te- 

m.ilii char 

riiiKTY Minutes for Refrkshments. 

4mih. 3 f.mile chir 

Sfe^re nil Teetotniers. 4 ma'.e, 2 fe- 
male char 

A Male Characters Only. 

A Close Shave. 6 char 

A j*UBLic r.HNEFACTOR. 6 char 

A ;>KA OF T.".r'.'^LKS. B cha.-. .... 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO., Old 



15 



COMEDIES, &c., continued. 

Male Characters Only. 

A Tender Attachment. 7 char. ... 15 

Coals of Firp- ^ char. 15 

Freedom of ths Press. 8 char. ... 15 

Shall Our Moth(^rs Vote? n char 15 

Gentlemen of the Jury 12 char - . 15 

Humors of the Strike. 8 char. . . 15 

My Uncle the Captain. 6 char. . , 15 

New Brooms Sweep Clean. 6 char. . t;; 

The Great Elixir. 9 char j- 

The Hypochondriac. 5 char 1- 

The Man with the Demijohn, 4 

char. . . 15 

The Runaways 4 char. ..... 15 

The Thief OF Time. 6 char. . , . 15 

Wanted, A Male Cook. 4 char. , . , : = 



Female Characters i ^ttly. 

A Love of a Bonnet. 5 char. . ^5 

A Precious Pickle. 6 char 15 

No Cure no Pay. 7 char. 15 

The Champion of Her Sex. 8 char. . 15 

The Greatest Plagi'e IN Life. Scha. 15 

The Grecian Bend. 7 char 15 

The Red Chignon. 6 char. .... 15 

Using the Weed. 7 char. 15 

ALLEGOniES... 

Arranged for Music and Tableaux. 

Lightheakt's Pilgrimage. 8 female 
char »5 

The Revolt of the Bees. 9 female 
char jr 

The Sculptor's Triumph. 1 male, 4 fe- 
male char 15 

The Tournament of Idylcourt. i?» 
female char 15 

Thf "Var of the Roses. 8 female char. le 

MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. 

An Original Idea, i male, i female 
char, 15 

Bonbons ; or, the Paint King. 6 male, 
I female char 2^ 

Capuletta ; or, Romeo and Juliet 
Restored. ::. male, i female char. . 15 

Santa Claus' Frolics x\ 

Snow-bound; or, Alonzo the Brave 
and the Fair Imogene. 3 male, 1 
ftmale char 25 

Thp, Merry Christmas of the Old 
Woman who i 'ved in a Shoe. . . 15 

The Pedler op /pry Nice. 7 male 
char ts 

The Seven Ages. iS Tableau Entertain- 
ment. Numeious ..tale and female char. 15 

Too Late for the Train. 2 male char. X5 

The Visions of Freedom, u female 



cAi;nF, 



South Block, No. 10 Milk St., Boston. 



READY-MADE SUIT 



a flocfe Exial 



BY 



F. E. CHASE, 

AUTHOR OF "THE GREAT UMBRELLA CASE," ETC. 



BOSTON: 
WALTER H. BAKER AND COMPANY, 

No. lo Milk Street. 



n 



Y^ 






A- 



Co/>yrTg-ktt 
By F. E. Chase, 



ELECTROTYPES BY 

C. J. Peters & Son, Boston. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 






The Judge. 

Prosecuting Attorney 
Prisoner's Counsel . 



The Prisoner Mrs. Arethusa 



Clerk of the Court. 
Sheriff. 

J. Smith 

John Smith 

Jack Smith 

Johnny Smith 

J. Smith, Jr 

Young Smith 

Old Smith 

Smith from Smithville . 
John Smith-Smith . . . 
John Smith-with-a-Smith 
Smith, the Smithite . . 

Smith 

John Snyppe 

Emile de Gusset . . . . 

Jean Lapel 

Ernesto Casameri . . . 
George Ulster . . . . 
Isaac Gutentag . . . . 

Levi Cohen 

Patrique O'Reille . . .' 
Henry Provvde . . . . 



Mr. Collodion Film. 
. Mr. Steele Penn. 
Snyppe. 
DE Gusset. 
Lapel. 
Casameri. 
Ulster. 
Gutentag. 
Cohen. 
O'Reille, 
Prowde. 



Jurors, 



Witnesses for the Prosccntioji. 



t. 



READY-MADE SUIT. 






JUDGE. 




7 








V 


1 


CLERK. 


\ 












WITNESS 
BOX. 




DOCK. 














COUNSEL'S 
TABLE. 






That j)art of the room or hall set apart for the Court is to 
be arranged in accordaiice with the above diagrafn. At 
the opening of the trial, the Witnesses and the Clerk 
are discovered seated in their appropriate places. Pris- 
oner's Counsel and Sheriff are lounging in the fore- 
ground. The seats of the Jury and Judge a7^e empty, as 
also is the Dock. The seats of the Jurors a7id Wit- 
nesses 7nay be settees ; that of the Judge is somewhat 
elevated above the Clerk, who sits in front of him. The 
Dock ««^ Witness-box ought also to be raised about a foot 
f'om the floor. On the table (c.) a)-e arranged the proper- 
ties to be introduced in the course of the piece. The JURORS 
are grouped at the back of the Court. 



6 A READY-MADE SUIT. 

{Enter the Prosecuting Attornijiy hurriedly from r. 
He carries a huge gt-een bag which he deposits on the 
table (c.).) 

P. A. Good-morning, gentlemen, good-morning. A fine 
morning for the great polygamy case of Commonwealth vs. 
Snyppe, De Gusset, Lapel, and others. We try that case this 
morning, I think. 

Prisoner's Counsel. Yes, as a matter of form. The 
verdict is bound to be in our favor. 

P. A. Your favor. Why, man, she has married nine sep- 
arate and distinct husbands, and I've got 'em all in court. 
{Indicates husbands^ who sit in front row of witnesses.) 

P. C. Nevertheless we expect a verdict of acquittal. 

P. A. Nonsense. 

Sheriff. So does the prisoner. She asked me only yes- 
terday for the address of a good divorce lawyer. She said 
she was going to have a sort of grand clearance sale after the 
trial to make room for fresh stock. She wanted to know if I 
thought the lawyers would do her divorcing any cheaper on 
account of its being a wholesale order, and said that when 
she married again she should pick out for her tenth some 
such man as Mr. Collodion Film. {All laugh.) 

P. A. Nonsense. {Aside.) This man's an ass. {Goes 
to witnesses and converses with them.) 

(The Judge enters with great dig7iity. His characteristics 
are uni77iportant. He might be made up after sojne local 
orjiament of the bench.) 

Sheriff (announcing). The Court, gentlemen. {All rise 
and take off their hats. The Judge goes up and takes his 
seat.) 

Clerk. Order, gentlemen, order. (Gejieral 7novement.) 
The Sheriff will please bring the prisoner into court. {Tur7is 
arotmd a7id co7ifers with the Judge in dumb show.) 

(The Sheriff goes out a7id inwiediately retur7is with the 
PRLSONER. This part should be played by the la?gest 77ia7i 
that ca7i be procured., carefully dressed /« the height of (fe- 
7nale) fashion. The Prisoner strides i7t, draggi7ig the Sher- 
iff helplessly after her., a7id takes her place i7i the dock. Her 
husbafids at 07ice rise a7id throw kisses, squabbli7ig a77i07ig 
the7nselves for the 7iea7^est place to her.) 

Sheriff (for7nally ope7iing court). Oyez, oyez ! All ye 
who have anything to do before the Honorable, the Justices 



A READY-MADE SUIT. J 

of ibe Court of Uncommon Pleas, draw near and give your 
attention, and you shall be heard. 

Judge. The Clerk will please call the panel of jurors 
summoned in this case. {Td]\iKY.) You will answer to your 
names as they are called, gentlemen, and take your seats in 
the jury box. 

Clerk {rises and unfolds a list of tremendous length). J. 
Smith. 

J. Smith. Here. {Goes to Jury Box.) 

Clerk. John Smith. 

John Smith. Here. (SatHe business.) 

Clerk. Jack Smith. 

Jack Smith. Here. 

Clerk. Johnny Smith. 

Johnny Smith. Here. 

Clerk. J. Smith, Jr. 

J. Smith, Jr. Here. 

Clerk. Young Smith. 

Y. S. Here. 

Clerk. Old Smith. 

O. S. Here. 

Clerk. Smith, from Smithville. 

S. FROM S. Here. 

Clerk. John Smith-Smith. 

J. S. S. Here. 

Clerk. John Smith-with-a-Smith. 

J. S. with a S. Here. 

Clerk (who begins to show signs of exhaustion). Smith, 
the Smithite. 

S. the S. Here. 

Clerk (feebly). Smith. (Falls back into his seat with a 
groan.) 

Smith. Here. (Goes to Jury-box with the rest.) 

Judge (Jo last Juryman). I beg your pardon — did I un- 
derstand you to say that your name was — 

Jury {in chorus). Smith ! ! 

Judge. Thank you. Are there any more Smiths present? 
Because I should hate to slight any of the family by leaving 
them out. {Pause.) Do any of the Smiths desire to be ex- 
cused from serving on this case ? 

Jury {all rising together, in chorus). I am — 

{All stop short. The one nearest the audience politely re- 
linquishes his claim in dujnb show to the man next him, the 



8 A READY-MADE SUIT. 

second man ditto to the third, and so on down the line until 
only Smith is left standing^ 

Smith. I — the fact is, I was intending to o:et married 
this morning. In fact, they are waiting for me at the church. 

Judge. Good. You are just the man we want on this 
case, Smithy. 

Smith. Then I am not excused. 

Judge. Nixey excuse. Anymore? 

Jury {rise, and say in chorus). We were all going to be 
married this morning. {All sit.) 

(The Prisoner takes out a pair of enormous opera-glasses, 
afid suj'veys the Jury through them with much interest. 
The opera-glasses 7nay be 7nade of a pair of miiteral water 
bottles lashed together.) 

Judge. Admirable. A jury of experts. Is the panel sat- 
isfactory to the defense, Mr. Penn ? 

P. C. Perfectly, your Honor. 

Judge. Then, Clerk, swear 'em in, and let us get to work. 

Clerk {approaching the Jury, and exhibiting a large dic- 
tionary). Gentlemen, you will all hold up your right hands. 
{To J. Smith.) Your right hand, if you please. 

J. Smith. I am left-handed, your Honor. 

Judge. A nice point. {Picks up a huge volume ; business 
with it.) The oath must be taken with the right hand, and 
this juryman is left-handed. 

J. Smith. Then I am excused, I suppose. 

Judge. Do not gamble on that point, Smithy, or you will 
lose money. If you will only turn around back to, you will 
come within the statute. {Closing the book.) There will be 
a great deal of suffering amongst the poor, owing to the ex- 
tremely low temperature, when this Court gets left. (Smith 
t2irns around as directed.) 

Clerk {extending dictionary). You do solemnly swear to 
well and truly try this case according to the evidence, and 
to the best of your judgment and abilities, so help you Web- 
ster. {This is rattled off with the greatest volubility .) 

Jurors {all in concert, first smite with their ris,ht hands 
the rail in front of them, then their breasts, a?id then raise 
their hands above their heads, saying). I do. 

(Jurors all sit dowfi simultaneously.) 

Judge. The Clerk will now read the indictment. 

Clerk {at desk, producing document, reads). Common- 
wealth of Massachusetts. Suffolk, to wit : At the Court of 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 9 

Uncommon Pleas of the City of Boston, bej^^un and holden 
at said Boston, in and for the County of Suffolk, on the first 

Monday of , in the year of our Lord , the jurors of 

the Commonwealth of Massachusetts on their oaths present, 
that Arethusa, the wife of John Snyppe, of said Boston, 
being then married, and then the wife of the said John Snyppe, 
with force and arms, at Boston, feloniously did marry and 
take to husband, in rapid succession, and with malice afore- 
thought, Emile de Gusset, Jean Lapel, Ernesto Casameri, 
George Ulster, Isaac Gutentag, Levi Cohen, PatriqueO'Reille, 
and Henry Prowde, yeomen (the said John Snyppe, her first 
husband, being then ahve), contrary to the form of the 
statute in such cases made and provided, and against the 
peace of said Commonwealth. 

And the said complainants on their oaths further present, 
that the said Arethusa Snyppe, otherwise De Gusset, other- 
wise Lapel, otherwise Casameri, otherwise Ulster, otherwise 
Gutentag, otherwise Cohen, otherwise O'Reille, otherwise 
Prowde, by thus embezzling and fraudulently converting to 
her own uses nine separate and distinct husbands, all being 
alive at the present time, and more or less competent to sup- 
port a family, has kept eight other women out of their rights, 
and aimed a blow at the whole social fabric ; and by so doing 
the said Arethusa Snyppe-De Gusset-Lapel-Casameri-Ulster- 
Gutentag-Cohen-O'Reille-Prowde did then and there commit 
the crime of Polygamy, contrary to the statute in such cases 
made and provided, and against the peace of the Common- 
wealth. ( The above indictment is represented by a doacment 
of portentous size, to which is appended, by means of a bit 
of red tape, a seal the size of a dinner-plate. The town, 
county, and state najned therei?i should be adapted to the 
locality in which the representation takes place.) Prisoner 
at the bar, you have heard the charge preferred against you. 
Are you guilty or not guilty .'' 

Prisoner. Not guilty. 

Prosecuting Attorney {advaticing to the centre of the 
Court). May it please your Honor, and gentlemen of the 
jury. Looking back over an experience of twenty-five ye^rs 
spent in the legal arena, I cannot recall the time when it has 
been my privilege to address a jury comparable, not only in 
general intelligence and acumen, but in special fitness for the 
case in point, to the one I am now addressing. You are not 
married, gentlemen, and consequently the keen edge of your 



lO A READY-MADE SUIT. 

affections has not become blunted by use, nor hacked by the 
blows of conjugal unpleasantnesses into the saw-teeth of 
discontent. You will, therefore, err neither on the side of 
leniency nor of harshness. Yet you are all engaged, — in fact, 
just upon the point of committing matrimony (Jury all 
groan), and so will understand and weigh as only experts can 
the revolting details that I am about to present to your notice. 
This monstress {Turning and bowing to the Prisoner), if she 
will kindly permit me to call her so (Prisoner bows), has 
done on a large scale — a kind of hay-scale, in fact — what 
you, gentlemen, proposed doing upon a small scale (Jury 
groan) when Justice opportunely stepped in with ^^r scales and 
demanded your services. It therefore behooves you, gentle- 
men of the jury, to pay strict attention to the evidence, as the 
principles involved in this great suit are of universal appli- 
cability, and may be readily and inexpensively cut down to 
fit your individual cases, even as the ex-pantaloons of the 
parent are resurrected into the trousers of his first-born. 
We propose to show to you, gentlemen, and that, too, upon 
the evidence of her victims, that this crime-stained conspira- 
tor against the state of matrimony {Bowing to Prisoner), if 
I may be permitted thus to describe her (Prisoner bows 
pieasanty^ began her diabolical career only one short year 
ago by marrying a certain John Snyppe (Snyppe rises and 
bows), whose melancholy experiences you will shortly have 
an opportunity of hearing. And in passing, gentlemen, please 
note how insidious is the advance of crime — how seductive, 
how easy the descent to — {Entire Court tuiite in a loud 
'■''Ahem / ") — Sheol — thanks. For the prisoner began even 
as you, gentlemen of the jury, were about to begin when Justice 
called you (juyly groajt), — by getting married. Perhaps, who 
knows, the call of Justice, whose mission it is to avert as well 
as punish crime, was opportune. We propose further to 
show that this black-hearted disgrace to her honored and 
adorable sex {Bowing to Prisoner), if I may be permitted 
without discourtesy to thus allude to her (Prisoner smiles 
per }?iis sill ely and bows), after scarcely two months of wedded 
bliss heartlessly deserted the devoted Snyppe, and in the very 
middle of her honeymoon united herself in marriage to one 
Emile de Gusset (De Gusset lises and bows), who at the 
proper time will also unload upon you his wealth of woe. It 
will also be proven to you, gentlemen of the jury, that this 
old and antiquated — {Bows to Prisoner, who gesticulates 
angrily) — if I may be allowed — 



A READY-MADE SUIT. II 

Prisoner's Counsel {rising). I object, your Honor. The 
gentleman is going too far. 

Judge. Quite right. Brother Film, the prisoner is a 
woman, and we must respect her feelings. 

P. A. Very well. {ResiDuing) — That this vile and pes- 
tiferous mildew upon the social fabric {Bowing to Prisoner), 
if I may be allowed the use of the term (Prisoner acqui- 
esces swili7igly), in two months more, careless of the grief, 
the bitter anguish of the faithful Snyppe, the devoted De 
Gusset, married Jean Lapel (Lapel rises and bows), whose 
honest and heartfelt love deserved a better return than that 
after thirty brief days of bliss it should find a rival in the 
guise of a certain Ernesto Casameri (Casameri rises and 
bows), estimable and worthy in himself, but hateful in the 
jaundiced eyes of the heart-broken Lapel, as the fourth hus- 
band of the woman he loved. Mark the descent, gentlemen 
of the jury, how easy, how gradual. One wedding leads to 
another — it is the first plunge only that costs. Prepare 
yourselves now for a tale of cold-blooded and systematic vil- 
lainy without a parallel. Thirty days after this fourth wed- 
ding, one bright summer's morning, upon a day, gentlemen, 
when all Nature was breathing peace and happiness, this 
fungus, this maggot in the cheese of society {Bowing to Pris- 
oner), if the simile is permissible (Prisoner bows), stole 
forth and cast her hideous net over the young and pure 
George Ulster (Ulster rises and bows\ the fairest flower of 
them all, and led him home a blushing bridegroom. Picture 
to yourselves the anguish of the deluded Snyppe, the duped 
De Gusset, the betrayed Lapel, the cheated Casameri, the 
deceived Ulster. Did the sun obscure its light? Did the 
fair face of Nature frown at such duplicity ? I regret to 
say that it did not, though partly cloudy weather, with areas 
of rain and lower temperature and pressure, were prophesied 
for the New England States for that day. As if to accu- 
mulate strength for a supreme effort, the prisoner, who, 
homely and unattractive as she is — (Prisoner piotests in 
dii}?tb sJwiu). 

P. C I object, your Honor. 

Judge. Brother Film, have a care. 

P. A. {resnniing). — Depraved and lost to all sense of de- 
cency and honor as she is — {7o Prisoner) I trust I do not 
over-state the case, madam (Prisoner bows) — yet allowed 
two months to elapse before consummating her next villainy. 



12 A READY-MADE SUIT. . 

What will you say, gentlemen, when it is shown to you that 
early in the autumn the prisoner, forgetting her vows, repu- 
diating her duty to her five lawful spouses, was united in holy 
wedlock with both members of the firm of Gutentag, Cohen 
& Co. (G. and C. both rise and bow) upon the same day ? 
Both those gentlemen have kindly consented to appear in 
Court at great personal inconvenience and expense, and add 
their testimony to the rest. Further, gentlemen of the jury, 
what will you say when the tearful and reluctant testimony of 
the blasted OReille and the blighted Prowde {Both rise when 
mentioned), reveals to you the crowning fact that in less than 
thirty days thereafter this soulless seducer of helpless and 
unprotected males {Bowing to Prisoner), if I may be so 
permitted to express myself (Prisoner bows), annexed 
them both almost simultaneously, and became for the eighth 
and ninth times husbands and wife. All this will be proven 
to your satisfaction, gentlemen, and upon the evidence of 
these foregoing facts, the government ask you to find the 
prisoner at the bar guilty of Polygamy, according to the 
terms of the indictment and the laws of this Commonwealth. 
John Snyppe will please take the stand. (Snyppe does so.) 

Clerk {handing him the dictionary). Take this book in 
your right hand. (Snyppe does so with some difficulty, the 
volume being heavy.) You do solemnly swear, in the case 

now in hearing between the Commonwealth of and the 

prisoner at the bar, to tell as near the truth as you can without 
wholly upsetting the habits of a life-time, or risking loss of 
identity, so help you Webster. {This is spoken as rapidly 
and as indistinctly as the Clerk can manage it.) 

Snyppe. I do. 

P. A. Your name is John Snyppe. 

Snyppe. Well, I should smile. 

P. A. You reside in Chelsea, I believe. 

Snyppe, Well, I should relax my features. 

P. A. You are the husband of the prisoner, are you not ? 

Snyppe. Well, I should grin. 

Judge. One moment, Mr. Film. I am, of course, gratified 
to learn that the witness would retain his accustomed cheer- 
fulness under the variety of trying circumstances you have 
mentioned, but suppose I should send him up for thirty days 
for contempt of this court — do you think he would still be 
able to smile in the face of this misfortune ? 

Snyppe. I tumble, your honor. 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 13 

Judge. I hope it didn't hurt you. It was a long ways to 
fall. , , ^ 

P. A. Now, Mr. Snvppe, let us go back one year. Can 
you recollect what happened about this time twelve months 
ago? (S^YVPK biirsts into tears.) Gentlemen ot the jury, 
you observe how the mere memory affects the usually cheer- 
ful witness. Here at least he would not smile if he could. 
Cheer up, Mr. Snyppe, do not weep. Tell your piteous tale 
to a sympathizing jury, and let your over-burdened heart find 
relief. 

Snyppe {in a low voice cJioked with sobs). Gentlemen, 
twelve months ago to-day was my wedding-day. {Breaks 
down.) . 

P. A. Gentlemen, let us not be ashamed to mingle our 
tears of honest sympathy with those of this poor victim. {T/ie 
entire Court weep:) -n • r i *u- 

P A. {after a pause, mastering hunself). Pamtul as this 
subject is, w- must go on. Like the tender-hearted dentist 
when he jabs his professional brad-awl clear up mto the 
patient's brain, it is all done for the sufferers good. Go on, 

Mr. Snyppe, go on. . . , t i j x ^u u 

Snyppe. One year ago to-day, friends, I led to the hy- 
meneal altar the woman who stands before you, a blushing 
bride. I was not then what I am now. Months ot misery, 
days of despair, hours of heaviness, have reduced the once 
handsome and universally admired Snyppe to what you now 
behold. , , ^, 

P. A. Look at him, gentlemen, and see what he must have 

suffered. , , , 

Snyppe. With the trustfulness of a heart that knew no 
guile, I took her to my bosom and endowed her with my all. 
P. A. Go on, sir, go on. . , r . u 

Snyppe. For two months, sixty brief days, fourteen hun- 
dred and forty short hours, eighty-six thousand four hundred 
transitory minutes, I was happy — oh, Heaven, how happy. 
True I was clubbed around some, but then for the first time 
in years I had free lodging, and three equilateral, rectangular 
meals per day — I should say I was possessed of the treasure 
of a loving wife, and my name was rapture — hot, with sugar 
in it. TX^^n — {Bursts into tears:) 

P A Enough. What follows will be tola by other wit- 
nesses. Your Honor, I desire to place in evidence this cer- 
tificate of marriage between the prisoner and the present 
witness. {Hands document to Judge.) 



14 A READY-MADE SUIT. 

Mr. Penn {to Prisoner's Counsel). The witness is yours. 
{Sits) 

P. C. ij'ising). Now, sir, <^ive me your strictest attention. 
No evasions now, no shilly-shallying nonsense. You are, 
by profession, a tailor, are you not .? 

Snyppe. Well — 

P. C. {banging his Jist on tlie table). Come, sir, — yes or 
no. 

Snyppe. Yes. 

P. C. Ah ! A plain, everyday tailor. 

Snyppe. Not plain, sir. I believe I have my share of 
personal attractions. A first-class journeyman tailor. 

P. C. Good. A journeyman tailor. (71? Jury.) Gentle- 
men, please remember this. Nothing else ? 

SXYPPE. No. 

P. C. Not a shoemaker, for instance ? 

SxYPPE. Certainly not. 

P. C. You are quite sure you are not a shoemaker. 

Snyppe {coiiteinptiionsly). Very sure. 

P. C, Good. I think, Mr. Snyppe, that you testified not 
long since that in marrying the prisoner you took her to your 
bosom and endowed her with your all. Were these your 
words 1 

Snyppe. They were. 

P. C. You are prepared to stick to them. 

Snyppe. To the last. 

P. C. You hear, gentlemen of the jury, this self-styled 
tailor. He endows his wife with his awl, and babbles famil- 
iarly of his last. Comment, to men of your intelligence, is 
superfluous. {To Snyppe.) That will do, sir. Unless the 
jury would like to ask any question. 

Young Smith {rising). I don't want to take up the time 
of this Court, but — 

P. C. Go on, sir. We want everything made clear. 

Young Smith. Well, then, I should like to ask the wit- 
ness if four-button cutaways are going to be much worn this 
fall. {Breathless attention.) 

Snyppe. I cannot say yet, sir, for sure, as the fall styles 
are not out ; but I should think, at a guess, that, if you pur- 
chased such a coat last year, it would ho. considerably worn 
this fall, particularly if you had been wearing it much during 
the summer. {Steps down and oicti) 

P. A. {rising). Mr. Emile de Gusset will please take the 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 1$ 

Stand. (De Gusset does as directed^ and Clerk adtninis- 
iers oath as before^ Tell us briefly, M. de Gusset, what 
happened ten months ago. 

De G. Avec plaisir. It was zen zat I do inada7ne {Indi- 
cating Prisoner) ze honneur to marry her. 

P. A. You married the prisoner ten months ago. {To 
Jury.) You hear, gentlemen. In two months only she mar- 
ries again — she, the lawful wife of poor Snyppe. (Snyppe 
sobs aloud) Go on, sir. Tell us all about it. 

De G. Bien^ it was vare simple. She have seen me one, 
two, tree times — I know not — she lofes me, naturellement. 
(Prisoner manifests indignation in dumb show.^ 

P. A. Did she tell you she loved you ? 

De G. {expostulating). Ah, monsiew', non. I know him 
vvisout. I am gentilhomme — I spare her blushes. Zey all 
lofe me, monsieur. 

P. A. Well .? 

De G. Veil — quoi done. I am a Frenchman — you know 
him — tojijotirs galant. I marry her. She have husband 
already, perhaps. I hear of him, but what of zat. He is 
what you call no good (Snyppe exposttilates in gesttu^e.) I 
say to him, comjne petit ga7'<^on, run out and play. Voila 
tout. 

P. A. That will do, sir. Mr. Penn, the witness is yours. 
Your Honor {Handing doctiment'), the sworn deposition of 
the clergyman who conducted this second marriage. 

Judge. Have you any more documents, Mr. Film, bearing 
on this case ? If so this Court will admit them all in a bunch. 
This Court thinks that it is perhaps only right to inform you 
that you are making this Court tired. May this Court expect 
a favorable reply to its not unreasonable request ? 

{During the cross-examination that follows, Mr. Film 
takes from his sevei'al pockets and frojn his green bag an 
enormous mmiber of sealed documents, and piles them upon 
the Judge's desk.) 

P. C. {rising). What is your business, Mr. de Gusset ? 

De G. {proudly). Monsieur, I am an artiste. 

P. A. What kind of an artist ? 

De G. I cut ze pantalons. 

P. A. Ah ! A tailor, like the other. 

De G. Non, monsieur ; bettaire zan ze other. 

P. A. Good. 

De G. Oui, vare good. 



1 6 A READY-MADE SUIT. 

P. C. Well, Mr. de Gusset, there seems to be no 5oubt 
but that you married this woman, 

De G. Monsieur, you have ma parole. 

P. C. Or that you are a tailor ; or, as you picturesquely 
phrase it, that you cut zo. patitalons. 

De G. You have raison, sare. 

P. C. You have said that you v^^ere a Frenchman, sir, and 
hence I infer that, in teUing me I have rason, you merely 
assume the Irish brogue for some playful purpose of your 
own. But I will not press that point. There is no doubt 
about your having cut the pantaloons. 

De G. No, sare. 

P. C. The great question is, who wore the pantaloons — 
you or the prisoner. (General laugh.) That will do, sir. 
(De Gusset retires.) 

P. A. Jean Lapel will please take the stand. (Lapel 
does so.) 

(Clerk admhtisters oath as above.) 

P. A. Your name is Lapel, I believe. 

Lapel. Oin., uionsieitr. 

P. A. You are the husband of the prisoner, whom you 
married eight months ago, are you not.'* 

Lapel. Oui., monsieur. {Dejectedly.) 

P. A. It was a love match, was it not .'' 

Lapel {enthusiastically). Oui, monsieur. 

P. A. You first met the lady at the dinner table of the 
boarding-house over which she presided, I believe. 

Lapel {with 7'eminiscence of good living). Oui, mon- 
sieur. 

P. A. To see her was to adore her, if I am not misin- 
formed. 

Lapel {rapturously). Oui, monsieur. 

P. A. It was a case of love at first sight, unless I have 
been deceived. 

Lapel. Oui, monsieur. 

P. A. So you were married. 

Lapel. Oui, jnonsieur. 

P. A. Was your marriage a happy one ? 

P. C. I object. That is a leading question. 

Judge. Objection sustained. I have been in some doubt 
myself as to whether Brother Film was examining the wit- 
ness, or the witness examining Brother Film. 

P. A. Would you marry the prisoner again if you had the 
chance? 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 1/ 

Lapel {dubiously^. Out, monsieur. 

P. A. I have already submitted the proof of this marriage. 
Mr. Penn, the witness is yours. {Sits^ 

P. C. You are a tailor also, like the rest, are you not ? 

Lapel. Oui^ monsieur. 

P. C. Observe, gentlemen of the jury, another tailor. 
Now, Mr. Lapel, the gentleman who is conducting this case 
on behalf of the government says that you say you were 
boarding with the prisoner at the time you married her. 

Lapel. Oiii., 7nonsie2ir. 

P. C. Unless I am blindly groping in a fog of erroneous 
convictions, you were owing the prisoner six weeks' board at 
the time of the ceremony. 

Lapel. Oui^ monsieur. 

P. C. I presume I am keeping within the bounds of strict 
truthfulness when I assert that this debt was never paid. 

Lapel. Oui^ monsieur. 

P. C. And when I further opine that your pecuniary liabil- 
ity to the management of that boarding-house permanently 
creased on the instant of the ceremony. 

Xapel. 07ii, mofisieur. 

P. C. Dare I venture to hint that you figured on securing 
free bsoard for the rest of your life when you married her ? 

LAPJiiL. Otii, monsieur. 

P. C.\ Or to conclude that you are a lazy, disreputable, 
moon-sho>oting, boarding-house bum ? 

Lapel (^. pleasantly^. Oui, monsieur. 

P. C. V'ou authorize me, then, to describe you in such 
terms to thi.-s intelligent jury, and to further inform them that 
through defective early education in the EngHsh tongue, you 
have entirely failed to understand a word that has been said 
to you .? 

Lapel. Oui\ monsieur. 
\ P. C. That will do, Mr. Lapel. 
'Lapel. Oui, m^ojisieur. {Remains in the witness-box 
lookifjg expectantly at Penn). 

PRiS(>ifER {after an embarassed pause in which the Court 
all unite t%^ pantomiiruic directions to witness to retire). 
Jean Lapel, git V {He_.^its.) 

P. A. Signor E-liiesto Casameri. (Casameri takes the 
stand.) 

(Clerk administers oath?) 
P. A. Calm yourself, signor. Do not allow your fiery 



1 8 A READY-MADE SUIT. • 

Southern temperament to get away with you. You are a 
child of the throbbing South, I am told. 

Casa. Si, signor. 

P. A. Your happy, careless boyhood's days were spent in 
sunny, vine-clad Italy, picking a frugal living from the pocket 
of the casual English tourist, plucking the luscious macaroni 
from its parent stem, and toward evening dancing for very 
joy in the gloaming to the dulcet strains of your native hand- 
organ. 

Casa. {weeping). Oh, signor, spare-a me. 

P. A. Suddenly this woman flashed across your path of 
life, and all its joy fled forever. 

Casa. E vera. When I take-a my meals wiz her, I no 
longer happy. Oh, dose Jjifteks — dose pies of mince. You 
have-a taste zem 1 No ? {Shudders^ 

P. A. Tell the jury your sad story, my poor friend. 

Casa. Ah, signori, I live wiz her tree week. I eat-a her 
bifteks, I drink-a her caffe, but dose biskits — nevaire. You 
catch-a on .'* I am too fly. 

P. A. Go on, signor, go on. 

Casa. She say to me. "Signor, will-a you have cr-';'^' 
tartar biskit 1 " I say, " Grazia, signora," and takf ^'^• 
When she look-a away, I trow him to ze dog, andkno'^"^"^^ 
teeth out. You catch-a on ? 

P. A. Go on. 

Casa. Bimeby one day I say, " Casameri, zat i too hard 
on ze dog. Damma- — I eat him myselef. I ea lii"^ — ^^J 
tree days I know nosing. When I come back, o myself I 
am married — I know not how. I marry her, b-^t I no lofe 
her. 

Judge. What's that? 

P. C. He says he is no loafer, your Honor 

Casa. Si, signo?', I no lofe her. 

P. A. Thus, gentlemen of the jury, by her deadly arts f'Jd 
she entrap her fourth victim. I desire, ; our Honor, to jfit'ro- 
duce one of those biscuits in evidence- (In produring bis- 
cuit he accidentally drops it on the floor. It should be made 
of plaster of Paris, or other heavy material^ so as to 7/iake a 
loud noise when dropped. He then p'.''s:es it to //z^ Jury, 
who exai7iine it, occasionally banging it against the rail of 
the jury-box. If a stone is used, one of the Jury 7)iay use it 
to strike sparks frojn a bit of steel. Additional business ad 
libitum.) 



A READY-MADE SUIT. I9 

Casa. (as the biscuit drops). All, zat is him. It is like-a 
what you call " Home-a-svveet-home." 

P. A. I have done with the witness, Brother Penn. 

P. C. Your business, Signor Casameri — 

P. A. I object, your Honor, to this question. It is outside 
the case. 

P. C. If his Honor will only admit it, it will be inside. 

P. A. It is not germane. 

Judge. I can see no valid objection. Go on, Mr. Penn, 

P. C. Your business is that of a tailor, I think. 

Casa. [politely., but with tmfot^timate accerit). Zat is fny-z. 
business. (Laugh.) 

P. C. (angrily). Don't be impertinent, sir. 

Casa. (alarmed). No, no — you don't catch-a on. I say 
— Zat is my business — to be a tailor. I am ze great Casa- 
meri (si?npiy). 

P. C. You are a tailor, then ? 

Casa. Si, signor. 

P. C. That will do. (Casameri retires.) 

Jury (all rise simultajieously and say in unison). One 
moment, please. (Casameri stops down front on his 
way back to the witfiess seats. 1 he Juryman nearest the 
audience politely waives his right of speech in dumb show to 
his neighbor^ he to his neighbor, and so on until the last one 
is reached. He walks down font and whispers an instant 
to Casameri, who at once takes a large paper or plug of 
chewing tobacco from his pocket arid hands it to Juryman. 
Both then go to their seats.) 

P. A. George Ulster will please take the stand. 
(Ulster does so and is sworn by Clerk.) 

P. A. Your name is George Ulster. 

Ulster. That's me bloomink nime. 

P. A. You are a subject of Her Gracious Majesty Queen 
Victoria, and a native of the great city of Lunnon. 

Ulster. You're bloomink right, I ham. 

P. A. You were married to the prisoner at the bar just 
six months ago. 

Ulster. You can bet your bloomink life I — 

Judge. One moment, please. I am the last person to 
encroach upon that bulwark of American greatness, that 
mighty prerogative of the free-born citizen of this enlightened 
republic, freedom of speech. But if this blooming exotic 
continues to bloom much longer in this Court, he will be 



20 A READY-MADE SUIT. 

sent away to shed the sweet fra.e:rance of his rhetorical blos- 
soms upon the sluggish air of the cooler for the next thirty 
days. Shall I have this translated into English ? 

Ulster {with some dwiimition of freshness). I'm fly, 
your Ludship. 

Judge. My name is Spider. Happy to meet you, Fly. 
Go stand on four legs and rub your hind one's together. 

Ulster. Yes, your Ludship. 

Judge. You are too high for this Court. Come down off 
the ceiling so that we can see over you. 

P. A. (after pause). Tell us the circumstances of your 
marriage with the prisoner. 

Ulster. Well, sir, my shop was a hell — 

All. Oh ! 

Judge. No profanity, sir. 

Ulster. You do me a hinjustice, your Ludship. The 
hell I was a speakin' of hisn't the 'ell your Ludship was a 
thinkin' about. Hi meant the hell of a 'ouse. 

P. A. Go on, Mr. Ulster. 

Ulster. Yessir. Has hi was a sayin', this 'ere hell, bein' 
away from the main 'ouse, 'ad a separate chimbly, so that the 
hell-fires — 

Judge. I really cannot permit this. Many of the ladies 
are leaving the Court. 

P. A. One moment, your Honor. 

Ulster. The hell-fires was run separate. Now my hell 
and 'er hell was honly a few hells apart, and while my hell- 
fire drew helegant, 'er hell-fire was helsewise, my hell bein' 
helevated hover 'er hell a few hells. 

P. C. I protest, your Honor. This is perfectly blood- 
curdling. 

P. A. I beg, your Honor, that you will allow my witness 
to be heard without interruption. 

Judge. What do you hope to prove by this man ? 

P. A. I propose to show that he was the fifth husband of 
the prisoner. 

P. C. Our side will admit the fact and waive the evidence. 

P. A. You admit the fact as proven } Very good. The 
witness is yours. (Sits.) 

P. C. Only one question, Mr. Ulster. Are you a tailor ? 

Ulster. I ham. I was a goin' to say that my shop was 
hin that same hell, and Hellen, who tended the hell-fires, 
held — 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 21 

P. C. {j.!ery loud). Enough, Mr. Ulster. You can step 
down. 

John Smith. One moment, please. How do you spell 
your name ? 

Ulster {spdli7ig). Hu — hell — hess — 

John Smith. One hell— I mean L — or two? 

Ulster. Honly one hell. 

Judge. That's according to scripture. 

John Smith. Thanks. 

(Ulster steps down and out.') 

P. A. I will now call the firm of Gutentag and Cohen, the 
eminent Hebrew jobbers in second-hand clothes. 

Judge. This is quite irregular, Mr. Film. 

P. A. I am aware of that, your Honor. But as I desire 
to prove only one thing by both men, I thought it desirable 
to examine them together. Besides, as it is quite impossible 
to tell them apart, it would be useless to call them separately, 
as I couldn't be sure which one was testifying. 

(Gutentag and Cohen take the stand, atid are sworn. 
They are niade tcp exactly alike to rescnible the most pro- 
nounced Jewish type. In dress and manner they should be 
the exact counte7'Parts of one another, and their actions and 
words, when they speak together, should be the same and 
simultaneous) 

P. A. You constitute, I believe, the firm of Gutentag and 
Cohen. 

G. AND C. {together'). Yah, meinherr. Wholesale und re- 
tail dealers in second-hand glothing. Sole agents for dose 
fife toUar und a halef Nymarket ofergoats, marked down from 
dirteen tollars und a kevorter, so hellup me grashus. 

P. A. Exactly. You of course understand the nature of 
an oath. 

G. AND C. Veil, ve should smaile. 

P. A. And the responsibility which the law vests in you. 

Gutentag. Vot kind of vests '^. I nefer haard of dose 
vests in my laife. 

Cohen {turning to Jury and handing cards). De sheap- 
est blace in town. Call arount, my vriends. Von hundred 
per cent discount uf you order more dan tventy tollars vort, 
und a ticket auf de skating rink trown in. 

P. A. You know the penalties you incur if you abuse 
your office to cloak villainy. 

Gutentag. Gloaks vas owit of staile, dese long times. 
Dose Norfolk House jackets vas all de rage now. 



22 A READY-MADE SUIT. 

Cohen. But, Shakey, don' forget dot shob lot of soldiers' 
gloaks — 

GLrTf:NTAG. I solt dem, I key, a veek ago, ven you vas 
owit, for fife tollars. 

Cohen. Mein Gott in Himmel, you vill ruin de beesness. 
Vy, dey cros^ us feefty cents. 

P. A. But eijough, gentlemen. No doubt your heart 
pants to — 

GuTENTAG {^o Jury). Yes, shentlemen, de sheapest pants 
for de money you efer vent anyveres. {Lowering his voice.) 
Real cassimere for two tollars und tventy-fife cents a pair. 
Uf my bartner {Indicating Cohen over his shoulder') heard 
me offer dem like dot, he vould go grazy. For Heaven's 
sake, don't gif me avay. 

P. A. Now, gentlemen, let us go back four months from 
this date. What happened on that date .? 

Cohen. Shakey! 

GuTENTAG. I key! 

Cohen. Dot vas de day you solt dot ofergoat at a dead 
loss, pecause dot poy vent und exchanged dose brice marks. 

Gutentag. Yah,'lkey. But how many times must I tolt 
you, dot ve have lose notings. By de same mistake didn't I 
sell dot two toUar goat for tventy tollars .? 

Cohen. Oh, dot vas all right. Aber you solt dotyf/"<? 
tollar goat for four tollars und ninety-nine cents. Ve lose 
money on dot, 1 tell you. 

P. A. Did nothing else happen on that day t 

G. and C. No, meinherr. 

P. A Were you not married ? 

G. AND C. Oh, yah, meinherr. I forgot me dot. 

P. A. Please state to the Jury the circumstances of that 
marriage. 

Cohen. Oxcuse me, sir ( To Judge), but vas dot a reel 
diamond dot you vear .'' Look, Shakey. 

P, A. Come, gentlemen, go on. 

Gutentag. Oh, veil, it vos like dis. Ikey und I, ve tink 
ve get married, but ve can't afford dot oxpense. Veil, ve vos 
bartners in peesness, und so ve dinks uf ve can get von vife 
betveen us, dot vill be less expensive. Times vos so hard, 
shentlemen, und peesness so pad, dot vos reely de best ve 
could afford. Nicht ivahr^ Ikey .'' 

Cohen. Yah, yah, Shakey. Veil, de most of dose ve ask 
dey laugh at us, und say, " Come off," but bimeby ve find a 
voman. 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 2$ 

P. A. {indicating). The prisoner ? 

Cohen. Yah, dot's her. She vos a pad lot. Ve vos stuck 
on dot lot, eh, Shakey 1 

GuTENTAG. Yah,' Ikey. Veil, dot vos all right. Und 
bimeby ve find a rabbi — a meenister — who vill make us 
feelty per cent deescount pecause de vedding vos py whole- 
sale, und who yill take his pay in goods. Veil, ve vork off 
dose shop-vorn pants on him — fife pairs uf unsalable pat- 
terns — und so ve vos married. So^ Ikey .'' 

Cohen. Oh, yah, Shakey. Ve let dose pants go too 
sheap, I dink. 

P. A. Your Honor will find the proofs of this marriage 
duly filed. 

Judge. Why did you have them filed, brother Film ? 

P. A. They had to be filed so as to fit the price the wit- 
nesses were willing to pay. (At once dodges under the table. 
Every o)ie in Court throws a book or other 7)iissile at hi?n.) 
The witnesses are yours, Mr. Penn. {Rises.^ 

P. C. What is your religion, gentlemen .? 

G. AND C. Ve are Chews, sare. 

P. C. Chews of tobacco } 

G. AND C. A'iefi, Chews of Chermany. 

P. C. Oh, Jews ! You surprise me. Then I suppose I 
can absolutely depend upon your telling me the truth. 

G. AND C. Ve nefer tell a lie ven ve can sell goots vith- 
out it. 

P. C. Then, gentlemen, are you or are you not tailors ? 

G. AND C. Wholesale tailors — yah. Don' forget dot 
wholesale. 

Cohen. But ve retail to friends, sometimes, eh, Shakey ? 

Gutentag. Vonce in a great vile, Ikey, shust to oblaige. 

P. C. That will do, gentlemen. 

A voice. Sheeny. 

G. AND C. {aftgrily, and with profi4se gesticulatioti). 
Who said dot " Sheeny." I vill kill dot man vot said 
" Sheeny " for von tollar und a halef. Vere is he '^. 

Sheriff. Order in the Court. 

(G. AND C retire, still gesticulating angrily.) 

P. A. Mr.^ Patrique O^Reille. 
(O'Reille takes the stand and is sworn by the Clerk.') 

P. A. You speak English, do you not .? 

O'R. {in a brogue so thick as to be well nigh unintelligible). 
01 do, sor. 



24 A READY-MADE SUIT. 

P. A. When did you come to this country. 

O'R. Oi kem cover last Chewsday was tree months agoo. 

P. A. I beg your pardon — last Tuesday was only a week 
ago. 

O'R. You think you're shmart, now, don't ye ? 

Sheriff. Order, — order in the Court. 

P. A. What part of Europe did you come from ? 

O'R. {itmintelligibly^. Umpville, tree moiles from Umpty 
umptown. 

P. A. Where ? I didn't quite catch the name. 

O'R. {repeats, ?nore thickly than before^. Umptown, etc., 
{Ad libitum.) 

P. A. Exactly. {To the Jury.) A small town in southern 
France. Many a time have I been there. Dear old Ump- 
town — how well I remember thee — the old Chateau — the 
Hotel de Ville. Is the old Hotel de Ville still standing .? 

O'R. Diville the hotel do oi remimber. There's but tree 
houses in town — which wan do yez mane ? 

P. C. {laughs loudly, then checks himself). 

P. A. {i(larin^ angrily at him). How did you come over, 
Mr. O'Reille ? ' 

O'R. Boi the Cunard Loine from Oueenstown, 

P. A. How did you get to Queenstown "i 

O'R. Oi don't know. 

P. A. Don't know how you got there ? 

O'R. Noa — oi was born there. 

P. A. What did you say you came from France, then, for ? 

O'R. Oi niver said anything of the koind. 

P. C. It was the gentleman himself who spoke of France, 
your Honor. {Quoting.) Dear old Umptown — how well I 
remember thee ! Eh, Film .'' {Laughs.') 

P. A. {Irritably.) Please tell the Jury the circumstances 
under which you first met the prisoner. 

O'R. Well, sor, it was the second day that iver oi was in 
this counthry. Oi was takin' a bit of a shtroll, kapin' me 
oi out the whoile for a shquint av the goold oi was toold oi'd 
foind lyin' about the shtrates. 

P. A. Did you find any? 

O'R. Divil a bit. It wasn't the goold that was lyin' about 
the shtrates, it was that omadhaun, Patsy McCool, that toold 
me, the blatherin' ijjit. 

P. A. What did you find? 

O'R. The mood, begorra, the mood. Phwhoi, sor, the mood 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 2$ 

is that dape in New Yorruk that the railroads have to go 
about on shtilts. 

P. A. You mean the Elevated Railroads. 

O'R. Beloike oi do, sor. Well, sor, as oi was a shtrolHn' 
along a takin' in the soights, I kem across the ould woman 
there. (^Poiuting^ 

Prisoner {speaking very rapidly and without any 
pauses). Old woman ! Old woman, is it ? Oh, that I should 
live to hear myself called an old woman, at my time of life, 
too, and by such a lazy, drunken, worthless lump of a man as 
Micky Riley, that I took in out of pure charity, which begins 
at 'ome and covers a multitude of sins, wich 'eaven knows he 
needs it all, and him, too, without a crust to eat, or where- 
withal to lay his 'ed, like the Son of Man in the Scriptures. 
Oh ! when I think — 

Sheriff. Order — order in the Court. 
(Prisoner subsides?) 

O'R. She says to me, says she, " Yer a foine man, 
O'Reille." "Yer another," says oi, kapin' up the ball. " Do 
yez want a job.-^" says she. " Phwhat koind av a job?" 
says oi. " A hoosband's," says she shy-like, but niver takin' 
her ois oflen me. " Is the wurruk loight and the hours 
aisy .-^ " says oi. " It is," says she. "And the pay," says oi. 
" Pay ! " says she, " do yez talk of pay to yer own luvin' wife. 
Can't ye marry for love .'* " And thin — 

P. A. Yes, then — 

O'R. Oi made a d d fool of myself. 

P. A. You married her. 

O'R. {dolcfuliy). Bad loock to me, oi did. 

P. A. That will do. Mr. Penn, the witness is yours. 

P. C. Mr. 0"Reilie, I think I have met you before. 

O'R. Is that so. OI don't remimber you, sor. 

P. C. Your breath is strangly familiar to me. I live near 
the distillerv. 

{All laugh:) 

O'R. {indignant). You think that's foony. Begorra, oi 
don't have to dhraw moi breath wid a cork-shcrew, or kape a 
menagerie in moi boots. 

P. C. {with dignity). You are vulgar, sir. 

O'R. There ye are. He's foony and I'm voolgar, and all 
off the same pace. 

P. C. You said you came across the ocean on a Cunard 
steamship. Why did you cross the Atlantic on a Cunarder? 



26 A READY-MADE SUIT. 

O'R. Bekase oi couldn't shwim, sor, and that's the truth. 
{Laughter^ 

P. C. {very crustily). You are a tailor, are you not ? 

O'R. Oi am. 

P. C Gentlemen of the Jury, please note this admission. 
The witness is a tailor. (^To witness^ You may stand 
down, sir. (O'Reille does so.) 

P. C. Henry Prowde. 

{Prowde advances in a mincing, lady-like manner.) 

Clerk {repeats oath). Take this book, etc. ... so help 
you Webster. 

Prowde {kissing the book). Yes, I do. Hope to die if 
I don't. {^Nodding to soine one in the audience.) Ah, there, 
Mary, how's your ?na ? {Aloistens his finger with his tongue 
and arranges his hair.) 

(Prowde should be dressed with %voi}ianish nicety., and 
exhibit a very effeminate maniier and voice. He may carry 
smelli?ig-salts and a fan.) 

P. A. Your name is Prowde. 

Prowde. Yes, that's my name, but not my nature, 
{Giggles.) I know I'm fascinating, but I ain't stuck up one 
bit, am I, o^irls ? 

P. A. How old are you, Mr. Prowde ? 

Prowde. There, I think you're r<?«/ hateful, Mr. Film — 
yes, I do. To go and ask me my age right before all these 
girls. I don't like it, even if you are a lawyer. But if you 
must know, I'd scorn to lie about it. I'm sixteen. {Looking 
as if at some one in the audience^ Yes, I am. I guess I 
know my own age, Bill Simmons, ^o you stop. 

P. A. You were sixteen when you married the prisoner. 

Prowde. Oh, how ca?i you ask me such questions. I 
think you're just horrid. Yes. I was only sixteen — so young. 
I s'pose you think I'm dreadful, but I can't help it — there. 

P. A. Did you love her.'' 

Prowde. Love her? I should think I did. Why the 
week before I was married I lost ten pounds — 

P. A. {to Jury). You see, gentlemen, the extent of this 
lad's infatuation. The week preceding his marriage he lost 
ten pounds. 

Prowde. Yes, I did. Ten pounds of gum drops I had 
bought for her. And I thought so much of her that I went 
right off and bought her ten more. I said " darn the expense." 
Oil ! {Covers his mouth with his hand.) I hope you didn't 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 2/ 

hear what I said then. It was a real naughty word. Oh, 
I'm so ashamed. (7<? som^ one in house.) Don't you laugh 
at me, Jim Smith, or I'll slap you. 

P. A. It was a love match, then. 

Prowde. Why, Mr. Film, you make me blush. Oi coiwse 
it was. You don't s'pose I'd marry a girl unless I really 
loved her, do you. I know I'm horrid^ but I ain't so bad as 
that. Oh, I think that's awful. 

P. A. Tell us the circumstances, please. 

Pkowde. Must I ? Well, if I must, I must, I s'pose, and 
that's all about it. I — there I can't, it's no use. 

P. A. Try again, Mr. Prowde. It's nothing when you're 
used to it. 

Prowde. I know, but I'm so young. Well, I stood it as 
long as ever I could, and then I went right straight up to her 
one day when we were alone, and put my arms right round 
her neck, and said — oh, I can't say it. 

P. A. Go on, Mr. Prowde, go on. 

Prowde. You all look the other way and I'll try. I looked 
her right in the face, and said — 

P. A. Yes — you said. 

Prowde. " Kiss me — birdie." There, I shall die, I know 
I shall. 

P. A. And she said — 

Prowde. Well, she didn't say anything. There you know 
well enough ; you're only making me run on. 

P. A. Then you were married. 

Prowde. Two months ago. I declare it don't seem a 
week. Oh, how happy I am. I feel just like a little bird. 
Oh, how I love that woman. {Thrcws kisses.) 

P. A. The witness is yours, Mr. Penn. 

P. C. I won't detain you but a minute, Mr. Prowde. In 
what year were you born .f* 

Prowde. In 1849. 

P. C. Did you not testify that you were only sixteen years 
old? 

Prowde. Yes, I did, and I'll stick to it. {To some one in 
the house.) Oh, there's Grace Brown. Grace, say, can I go 
home with you after the show ? All right. Don't forget. 
{To P. A.) What did you say, sir.? 

P. C. You were born in 1849, ^^^ ^^^ ^^^Y sixteen years 
old. 

Prowde. Course I am. Gracious me, have you lived all 



28 A READY-MADE SUIT. 



lese years and never found out that it doesn't make any dif- 
irence in a lady's age what year she was born in ? My 



th( 

ference 

sakes. 

P. C. But you are not a lady. 

Prowde. Weil, Pm a ladies' tailor, and the principle's 
the same. 

P. C. Another tailor ! Great Heavens, Mr. Film, have 
you any more tailors ? 

P. A. No, sir, we rest our case here. (Si^s.) 
Prowde. Well, do you want me to stay here all night ? 
P. C. No, no, Mr. Prowde, you are dismissed. 
Prowde. Thanks. (To Prisoner.) Bye-bye, birdie, 
bye-bye. (Goes 02it throwmg kisses^ 

P. C. Your Honor and Gentlemen of the Jury. You have 
sat here with a patience that fills me with astonishment and 
admiration, through weary hours of useless argument and 
superfluous evidence. For all that the eminent representa- 
tive of the Commonwealth has attempted to prove at such 
infinite pains and with such an imposing array of witnesses, 
we would have been perfectly willing to admit, had the gentle- 
man only requested us to do so. What you have heard is 
quite true — the prisoner at the bar did marry the nine men 
which the mistaken zeal of the Prosecution has paraded be- 
fore you, at the times and under the circumstances claimed 
by them, but in so doing she did not exceed her rights, as we 
claim, and as we think we shall be able to prove to you. But, 
gendemen, we shall not weary you with interminable testi- 
mony of irrelevant and unnecessary witnesses upon points 
not in controversy at all. To men like yourselves such pro- 
ceedings are superfluous. We^ at least, shall not make the 
mistake of feeding strong men with the pap of proving the 
palpable, but rather will stimulate them with the strong ale 
of argument and the roast meat of reason. You have been 
asked, gentlemen of the Jury to regard the prisoner at the 
h2ir {Several of the Jury enter into dejnonstrative flirtation 
with the prisoner) in the light of a monster in human shape, 
and you have no doubt dutifully endeavored to do so, but it 
is very evident that you have failed. I shall perhaps startle 
you somewhat, therefore, when I request you to regard her, 
not as a criminal, but as the founder of a new cult, as the 
pioneer in a new realm of sport. You have all seen the 
champion slugger, the champion roller-skater, the champion 
pie-eater, oyster-opener, and gum-chewer — behold in her the 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 29 

Champion Connubialist of the World. {Sensation. Prisoner 
rises and bows graciously.) The story of her struggles and 
successes you shall hear from her own lips. She is the only 
witness I shall produce in defence of her own cause, and 
when you have heard her speak I think you will say you 
have heard more than enough. {Husbands all groan audiblyi) 
In approaching, gentlemen, a problem ot human endeavor as 
strange, as novel, as this of the prisoner's, pause for an instant 
to reflect upon the difficulties, and upon the almost super- 
human energy and patience needed to overcome them. This 
poor, weak woman (Prisoner reaches over and taps liim 
ivith her fan, knocking Jiiin dcwti instantly .^ of course with 
his collusion. Prisoner tJien seizes hivn by the collar, lifts 
him up energetically , whispers to him for an instant, and 
then drops hiini) All right. {Kttbbing himself as if hurt i) 
This poor, weak woman, alone and unaided, has succeeded 
in marrying no less than nine strong men ! Think, gentle- 
men, of the difficulty some women find in getting only one 
man to marry them, and you will be able to form some con- 
ception of the magnitude of her success. Not only hiis she 
selected her partners in bliss from the ranks of her fellow- 
countrymen but her untiring enterprise has further laid all 
Europe, Asia, the World, under contribution. Not content 
with the domestic article alone, she has imported a husband 
from every continent but Africa, and would have accomplished 
even that but for a stern sense of the demands of popular 
prejudice. 

Jack Smith {a colored furymaji). Wha'-wha's dat ? Do 
yo' mean, sah, to 'suit de cuUud race, sah ? Ain' dey good 
'nuf fur dis yeah Co't ? 

P. C. {seeing his mistake). My dear Mr. Smith, you n is- 
understand me. I yield to no man in my admiration of your 
race. I esteem a colored man above a white man by as much 
as I value a well-browned meerschaum pipe above its pale 
and unsmoked brother. 

Jack Smith {ivith dignity'). Yo' said sumfin' 'bout de 
deman's of pop'lar prejudice. Wa' wa' dy'e mean, sah ? 

P. C. I meant popular prejudice in Africa against white 
people. 

Jack Smith {mollified). All right sah. 

P. C. France, Italy, England, Ireland, and last but not 
least, Jerusalem, via. Germany, contributed their share to 
swell her greatness ; but do not forget, gentlemen, that her 



30 A READY-MADE SUIT. 

patriotism led her to select an American, John Snyppe, for 
her first husband, and that at the last, surfeited with Euro- 
pean successes, she came back to her native land and rounded 
off the series with your countryman, Henry Prowde. One 
more point, gentlemen of the Jury. Does any one of you hap- 
pen to live in a boarding house ? Nay, do not reply. I see by 
your pale and dyspeptic countenances, your hungry and lack- 
lustre eyes, your shrunken frames, and the odor of fried onions 
that hangs about you like a decayed halo, that you do. Well, 
gentlemen, such being the case, let me remind you that the 
prisoner at the bar keeps a boarding house. Ponder well on 
this. I do not remind you of the occult understanding, the 
Freemasonry that exists among all the members of this craft, 
of the well known fact that a wrong done to one member of 
the guild is regarded as having been done to all, and is mer- 
cilessly avenged by the whole trade, whose emissaries are 
everywhere stabbing you unawares in your hash. I do not 
remind you of this, gentlemen, but simply of the possibility 
tliat you may at some time in the future board with this poor, 
injured female, and of the great advantage, under such cir- 
cumstances, of having made her your friend. Think, gentle- 
men of the unlimited possibilities of robust eggs, edible 
steaks, real coffee, and unlimited credit, and be just. {Turn- 
in r to Prisoner.) I will now put the Prisoner on the stand 
in her own defence. 

P. A. I object, your Honor. {Rising.) The defendant in 
a criminal suit is incompetent to testify in her own behalf. 

P. C. I do not ask to have the prisoner's statement ad- 
mitted as evidence ; we need no other witnesses to secure her 
acquittal than those the Prosecution has kindly supphed. 

P. A. Pooh, pooh, sir. 

P. C. Surely, your Honor, the prisoner can make a state- 
ment of her case. 

Judge. Her statement is bound to be prejudiced, and so 
inadmissible. 

P. C. I am sorry, particularly as there were a number of 
peculiarly interesting and racy points I wished to bring out. 

Judge {with sudden interest). Oh, indeed. As I was 
sayi^ig when you interrupted me, Mr. Penn, the prisoner's 
evidence would be inadmissible under <9r<^/;/rt;j circumstances, 
but in this case, as you have no other witnesses, I think it 
may be allowed. 

P. A. I take exception to that ruling. 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 



TuDGE. Take anything you like, Mr. Film, and if you 
don't see it lying round, ring the bell and order it. In order 
that the Jury may remain unprejudiced by the prisoners 
statement, they will please go to sleep. 

(Jury obediently compose themselves in various attitudes, 
■draw their handkerchiefs over their faces, and slumber.) 

P C {to Prisoner). Now then, Madam, try and over- 
come your natural nervousness under these trying circum- 
stances and tell the Jury— 

Judge. Not the Jury. This is not evidence remember. 

P. C. Tell the Court the story of your professional strug- 

^ Prisoner. Well, goodness me, I don't s'pose I was ever 
quite so much flustered in my life before with all these great, 
horrid men lookin' right at me so bold and sassy, tho for 
that matter a cat may look at a king, or an ace either, provid- 
ed she ain't bhnd, and even then she can go it blind on the 
kin<r as a friend of my fifth husband named Jack Potis used 
to say so my husband told me, and 'eaven knows it might be 
so for many's the night poor Ulster has sat up with this same 
Tack Potts till two and three in the morning, talkin' ot Lord 
knows what, and smelHn' that strong of whisky when he came 
to bed, that I used to dream I was bein' shown through a dis- 

' fuDGE {who has been listening with great interest). Y{-^, 
ha, ha ! {Suddenly recollecting Jiimself) Ahem 1 What 
has all this to do with the case ? , , . / x 

Prisoner {looking at him with her opera-glasses). 
What a nice old man. Why, if it ain't the very same gentle- 
man that brought poor John Snyppe home in a hack last 
Fourth of July morning, and tried so hard to kiss me in the 
hall, and wouldn't be put off till the next day, though 1 tried 
ever so hard, for if procrastination is the thief of time, the re- 
ceiver is worse than the thief, so what was I to do, a pore, 
lone woman, with John 'angin' unconscious over the hamsters 
( The Judge has buried his face in a book during this, and 
for some time does not dare to abandon it) 

PC Very proper, ma'am, I'm sure. You are the cham- 
pion heavv-weiirht Connubialist of the World are you not.? 

Prisoner. Right you are, young man, I am the present 
holder of the belt. My record of nine consecutive wedoings 
in nine consecutive months has never been approached by 
any professional outside of Utah Teritory, where they marry 



32 A READY-MADE SUIT. 

under different rules, and my standinoj challenge, published 
in the New York Ripper, binds me to meet all comers in the 
wedding ring, and marry them in one five minute round or to 
a finish, Marquis of Queensberry rules, winner to take three 
fourths of the gate money, which is the root of all evil, 
though not necessarily gate money, which, glory or no glory, 
I am the last person to despise, for money makes the mare 
go, and time is money, at any rate you can't have much of a 
time without money, so I've heard. {T/ie Jury snore tn 
unison) Goodness me, what was that? {Pause, at the end 
of which another terrific snore from Jury.) 

P. C. Sheriff", will you kindly wake up the Jury ? (Sher- 
iff does so. Jury apologize in du7nb-show and co7npose 
themsehres to sleep again.) Now, ma'am, how did you first 
drift into this line of business ? 

Prisoner. Habit, sir. I got married the first two or 
three times just to be sociable-like, and to oblige a friend, for 
a friend in need is a friend indeed, though not necessarily a 
friend in need of a ten dollar bill, which is sometimes orkard, 
and then the habit became fixed upon me, you know what 
habit is. 

P. C. Just so. Go on. 

Prisoner. 'Eaven knows I didn't love 'em all, it was only 
a matter of business, and when I came to the love, honor, and 
obey part I used to make a mental reservation ; but you have 
no idea how much trouble and worry a pore woman lias with 
so many husbands. They say out of sight, out of mind, and 
I'm sure I was out of my mind half the time when my eye 
wasn't right on 'em, all but Snyppe — he was married once 
before, and they do say bis wife preached her ov/n funeral 
sermon, though how, mercy only knows, any way Snyppe was 
a changed man after her death, for he never swore again. 
Said he saw no occasion to. (Jury snore again.) Goodness 
me ! Wliat was that? {Busiiiess repeated as before >i 

P. C. Pray go on, ma'am. 

Prisoner. Yes. When I married my fifth, my talents 
began to be recognized, and I began to see the full dignity of 
my profession, and what could be made out of it with' proper 
'andling, and when I heard of a woman in the next street, 
callin' herself the champion of America on a mizzable record 
of six husbands, five of 'em dead and buried at that, my mind 
was made up. In less than one week I was united in holy 
wedlock to both members of the great firm of Gutenta^r 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 33 

and Cohen, and held the championship by a lead of one, not 
that I liked either of 'em, far from it, least of all their noses. 
Cohen used to say he had his father's nose, an' if he told the 
truth, his father was in luck. No, gentlemen, it was pure 
business, and the belt arrived next day by express, charges 
forward. 

P. C. But your rival — the ex-champion. 

Prisoner. She ? Now what do you think that critter 
went and did, the mean, contemptible thing, pretendin' to 
give in so easy and graceful, and all the while layin' pipes for 
a coup d''etat, as the newspapers called it when she sneaked 
off and married two paupers one after the other on their 
death-beds — did it on paupers, too, just think of it — and 
then telegraphed to me for the belt, for which I am thanki'ul 
to her, for forewarned is forearmed, though why forearmed 
and not four legged, / can't say, and possession is nine points 
of the law. 

P. C. Did you return the belt ? 

Prisoner. Did I — well, you make me tired ; for 'eavens 
sake, man alive, what was I a-sayin' 1 No, sir, I went straight 
out and took the first man I met into camp, which 'appened 
so be that mizzable, drunken O'Reille, though why O'Reille 
I never could make out unless it was because he was always 
owing for everything he had, and before I rose her record by 
marr}ing poor, dear Prowde, the only man I ever loved, he 
was S7(ch a darling, she was arrested. 

P. C. She — vvho.? 

Prisoner. The other woman. 

P. C. What for ? 

Prisoner. Why, bless your dear soul alive, hadn't she 
got one husband livin' when she worked that pauper racket 
on me, and while one pauper went and died all right like a 
little man just after the ceremony, the other blundering old 
idiot up and got well, and she was prosecuted for bigamy. She, 
a champion! Ho ! she don't know the first thing about the 
business. (Jury snore^ Goodness me, what was that? 
{Business repeated as before^ 

P. C. Go on, ma'am. 

Prisoner. I couldn't go on, sir. After that they arrested 
me. 

P. C. True, ma'am, but do not repine. In a short time 
you shall again walk the streets a free woman, and resume 
your holy mission of making mankind happy. Your Honor, 
we rest our case. 



34 A READY-MADE SUIT. 

P. A. A very merciful proceeding, brother Penn. Your 
case needs a rest — it looks tired. (Laughter ?) 

P. C. (Jgfion'ng t/ie ot/ie?). Gentlemen of the Jur}% I can- 
not tell you how glad I am to see before me twelve such men 
as yourselves. The case that you are called upon to try is 
one that demands for its proper understanding the highest 
intelligence, the deepest insight into human motives, the ful- 
lest sympathy with the natural passions of our race, the keen- 
est taste for sport, and the most discriminating judgment of 
character — qualities which you, gentlemen, possess in an 
eminent degree. {Pause; Jury snore loudly.') Good 
Heavens, Sheriff, the Jury is still asleep ! Will you kinaly 
wake them up? 

(Sheriff does so, as before. Jury awake in some confu- 
sion., and compose thcuiselves to listen.) 

P. C. {carefully repeats the above speech, and then re- 
sumes). A poor, weak woman, prevented by the rigors of 
the social code and by the natural limitations of her sex from 
attaining the intellectual eminence that serves to distinguish 
you from the brutes, has merely obeyed the natural instincts 
of her trustful and clinging disposition, and chosen out of all 
the world, the one — I should say, nine — faithful hearts that 
beat in unison with her own. It was the old, old, story, 
gentlemen, — they met, they loved, they mated. It was Fate. 
You know what women are, how weak in spots, and yet how 
strangely strong, hke a decayed mackerel. Let us not harshly 
blame them, then, because they cannot grow tull beards or 
sing bass, but rather remember that with all their faults they 
never maliciously sing tenor, and seldom blow the cornet in 
anger. I am the last person to cavil at those omissions which 
the arbitrary' sway of custom has forced upon their charming 
sex, and yet I cannot be blind to results. Few women drink 
rum or chew tobacco, fewer still smoke — in public. They 
do not play bilhards or seven-up until three A. m., and then 
give discordant voice to their pent-up emotions beneath the 
star-dusted empyrean, though in the trivial detail of readily 
finding the key-hole they are usually skilful. For these 
cogent reasons their knowledge of life is necessarily imper- 
fect ; but what they lack in knowledge they make up in sen- 
timent, like a Fourth of July orator. Hence it is. gentlemen, 
that while you, wiih your superior knowledge of right and 
wrong, derived from frequent practical expt^rience of le^al 
restraints, would never commit the solecism of marrying 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 35 

Ke abundance of her love and tenderness, might easily tall 
^ feet <^entlemen, //^.fallen - into the common and excus- 
ab^e^rorot biting off more than the legally sanctioned chew 
Instead of trying To make one man happy, she has proposed 
to erself thi h^erculean task of beatifying nine struggmg 
souls and has carried it to a successful issue. Let us ana- 
lyze this case for an instant. If a man eat one piece of pie, 
^e sanation the act with a smile and sometimes the man . 
able to smile back, but not usually. If ^^^^f^ three pieces 
we do not blame him ; we pity him, and Y^e,^"'^\'^S . ^.?t 
ot famaica Ginger. If six, we shudder at the thought of uhat 
he vvm have to go through before he recovers; for such a 
man does not stSnd in peril of the law, but ot medicine If 
nine pieces of pie succumb to his voracious maw we not onlv 
So no^t punish him, but hail him chief, and bury hi -/m^. on 
the honors ciue to the Great American Pje-Later^ then he 
is onlv despicable ^^hen it fails ; when it succeeds, when he 
humb e stru'^ler is crowned as the Champion Connubiahst 
^the Woritit should be rewarded, not pumshed. Nor 
shou d the hovelling nature that is surleited with one poor 
Ice o pie^presume^o pronounce judgment ^!Pon the of y 
and soari - Appetite that only finds satiety in nine ^ou are 
nUaentlemen about to enter into the State of Matnmony- 
?i;t^stae^^"ise governor is generally a woman, whose gov- 
Irnment is invarfably a despotism. Some of you perhaps 
Cher sh the i ea that vou may at some future time participate 
[ft e DoHtics of that state, and perhaps hold office ; but as a 

rS^v he \l the Samuel J. Tildens of matrimonial poli.ics, 
^esTthit suffic^sCr nine. Will >ou, of all men, censure u ? 



36 A READY-MADE SUIT. 

No, I think not — not this trip. You are all, gentlemen, — 
perhaps I should put the " f::;entlei"nen " first in order to avoid 
misunderstandings, — gentlemen, you are all sporting men. 
Do not deny it, for I see it written only too plainly on your 
inflamed countenances, your white hats with a black weed on 
them, your habitual profanity, your empty pockets, and your 
stage name of Smith — the invariable alias of the sequestered 
*' sport." As sporting men I appeal to you — will you permit 
a new comer into the world you love to die in its neglected 
infancy without a strugsj;le on its behalf? Shall Connubial- 
ism, as a science, die for lack of backing on your parts ? No. 
I am sure you will not permit this new method of wagering 
and losing money, that should be spent upon your wives and 
children, to fall into unmerited neglect. By the tender mem- 
ories of dog-fights past and gone, I implore you, do not do 
this wrong. And now, gentlemen, one thing more. You liave 
heard the testimony of the various witnesses brought before 
you by the other side. Amongst the chaos of irrelevant mat- 
ter extracted from them by the misdirected efforts of the Pro- 
secution, one crj'stalline facts stands forth in your memories. 
Stripped of their tinsel of pretence and their false beard of 
mend.-city, they each and all stood revealed as tailors — 
plain, every-day tailors. It was my humble hand that tore 
away their disguise, but let that pass. Now, gentlemen, I 
think no one will deny that every woman has a right to one 
man, nor that the Prisoner is a woman. Well, gentlemen 
of the Jury, as you all know, according to the common law it 
takes nine tailors to make a man. My chent, therefore, in 
marrying nine tailors has only married one man, and on this 
ground I demand her acquittal. 

{Great sensation.') 
P. A. (risins^.) May it please this Court and Gentlemen 
of the Jury. Whatever may be my faults it can never be said 
of me that I withheld just praise from any man, even an oppo- 
nent; and the remarks of the last speaker force from me the 
avowal that I never heard a vile and immoral cause defended 
in more appropriate language, nor with more perfect sympathy 
on the part of the pleader. And whatever my abhorrence of the 
prisoner a+ the bar, I must at least admit that she is indeed 
fortunate in having found an advocate so fitted by nature for 
her ends. That the atrocious and abominable principles dis- 
closed by his words should shock yoti, gentlemen, in your 
uprightness and^ — I say it in no offensive sense — innocence, 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 37 

is not strange ; but that they should shock me, profession- 
allv hardened, as I am, to every manifestation of human 
iniquity, argues them base indeed. Do not say that you were 
not shocked, gentlemen. I heard your lower jaws fall upon 
your shirt bosoms with a unanimous crash at the unaccus- 
tomed words of my opponent. Even at this distance I ais- 
tinctly felt the glow of the burning blush that accompanied 
the action ; and in the gaping apertures of your mouths I saw 
reposing those borrowed chews of tobacco, unmasticated and 
ne.^dected in your embarrassment and horror. Had I not felt 
airalong, gentlemen, that your purity of mind was practically 
incorruptible, I should have long ago sprung to my ieet and 
in clarion tones bade this man cease, in the name of common 
decency, and out of regard for the ladies. It is a melancholy 
aspect of the great profession of the law, gentlemen, that men 
are sometimes forced by poverty and lack of more reputable 
business to advocate such cases as this, but it is even more 
melancholy to find that there are men w4io even seek such 
business, and who having found it, are perfectly in their ele- 
ment therein. Fortunately they are few, however. Indeed, 
in my whole professional experience I never have known but 
one man who was capable of undertaking the defence of a 
person like the prisoner — until to-day I should have said 
that I did not know even one. An endeavor has been made, 
gentlemen, by this person to cast a pastoral, an idyllic light 
upon the crimes of this monstress in human shape (Bow2;ig to 
Prisoner), if I do not exceed the license of my position in thus 
describing her (Prisoner dows asseiit). A picture has been 
drawn for you in which the prisoner figures as a blue-eyed shep- 
herdess surrounded by pleading swains ot the Italian opera 
tvpe, with conical hats and ribbons round their legs, singing 
rnadrigals to the accompaniment of an oaten pipe. The atmos- 
phere of the picture was redolent of purity. Well gentlemen, 
there is your shepherdess {Indicating Prisoner), and there 
the swains {Pointing to husbands) They have no ribbons 
on their legs now, simply plain pants, and their oaten pipes 
are represented by T. Ds. The Italian opera flavor is all 
gone, and they stand revealed, like " supers " after the show, 
as plain everv-day victims of a black-hearted and designing 
fiend in human shape, if I may to such an extent avail my- 
self of the privilege of my position. (Prisoner bows.) 
There was also something said, if I am not mistaken, about 
ten pieces of pie. Gentlemen, let me warn you against the 



38 A READY-MADE SUIT. 

fallacy of this most specious plea. By the memory of your 
mothers, sisters, wives, I implore you, reject this fatal doc- 
trine of pie. All men have the right to one piece of pie, just 
as they have to any other form of suicide — I am the last 
man to deny that. But, oh, gentlemen, remember the old 
adage, — "CVi-/ le premier pie gut coiite?'' You don't any 
of you understand what it means, but you won't admit it for 
fear of giving yourselves away. I, who took pains to look it 
up in a French dictionary just before coming into court, warn 
you of the dreadful consequences of generalizing this first 
piece. With the second piece the wrong begins — a little 
wrong no bigger than a man's hand at Euchre, but still a 
wrong. For the great law of Nature has ordained that there 
shall be just pie enough in the world to go around once, 
and when you cast aside restraint and take a second piece, 
you rob some poor person of his share. Still we can find 
excuses for the man who takes an extra piece in the fact that 
some people don't like pie, and so do not avail themselves of 
their natural right; but what can be said on behalf of him 
who monopolizes the pie of three others, or of the unspeak- 
able and dastardly villain, if I may be allowed to thus desig- 
nate a lady for the purposes of argument (Prisoner bon's), 
who seizes upon the portion of nine others, and converts them 
to her own selfish ends ? Oh, gentlemen, I have looked clean 
through the larger dictionaries of Worcester, Webster, and 
Johnson, but I cannot find words to fitly characterize such 
conduct. You are asked, my friends, by this unscrupulous 
perverter of the public morals to regard the crime of this 
woman as a form of sport — to stake the pure gold of your 
endorsement upon a race in which the devil holds the stakes, 
in which the prize is — {All sneeze violently^ Sheol. Before 
making any su h bets, gentlemen, let me implore you to con- 
sider the matter carefully. You are asked to back a woman 
whose road to victory has been macadamized exclusively 
with human hearts, who has trained on blasted hopes. Each 
successive triumph has forever barred some rival from ever 
being entered for the race at all, and doomed her to life-long 
soHtude. You are asked to bet upon a dog nine times as 
big as his competitors, and still growing — you are asked 
to bet upon a sure thing ; and now tliat I have given you 
away betbrehand, I am sure that your noble natures will 
recoil from the baseness of thus robbing a fellow-creature of 
his mone}-, pardcularly as, in the present state of the Connu- 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 39 

bialistic Ring the betting is likely to be all one way, and you 
could find nS takers if you wanted them. And now, gentle- 
men, I leave the case in your hands. You have heard upon 
the sworn testimony of nine of your fellow-citizens that this 
tomb of all womanly feeling and the domestic virtues, witli 
the prisoner's kind permission (Prisoner bows), has com- 
mitted matrimony under peculiarly aggravating circumstances 
nine separate and distinct times, every one ot which was tatai 
to a member of your unhappy sex. This evidence is backed 
up by thirty-eight pounds, six ounces of affidavits and colla- 
teral documentary proof, and its truth has been admitted as 
proved by the other side. I feel sure that your judgments will 
reject the quibbles of the prisoner's counsel, even as your 
purity revolted at his indecencies, and give the verdict where 
it will do the most good. We are nine to their one, gentle- 
men, ten including myself. Not only do the great principle 
of the greatest good to the greatest number, and the univer- 
sally recognized value of the majority vote, lie on our side, but 
by o-iving your verdict in accordance with justice and morali- 
ty v-ou make nine fast friends apiece instead of a beggarly one 
on the other side. I do not say it to influence you at all — 
far from it — but in case we get a verdict, we propose to make 
a handsome present to each member of this Jury on the 
occasion of his approaching marriage, and — 

P. C. I protest, your Honor. This is flat bribery. 
P A {an^rrih). Do you mean to insult me, sir ? 
P*. C. {vely angrily). Yes, sir. {Sjiapping his fingers 
zjt the other's face.) 

P A (retreating; more inildly). That's what I thought. 
If you do it again I'm afraid I shall get angry with you, sir 

Judge. Ten dollars apiece, gentlemen, if you please, tor 
contempt of court ? 

Both. What? , u- • 

Judge. Twenty dollars apiece. Did you hear this time, 
or shall I sing the third verse ? , . „ , • ^ , . 

Both No, no, your Honor. {^Bothfeeltn all their pockets, 
but find nothing. Then both saunter up stage with assumed 
carelessness, the P. C. to the Prisoner, the P. A. to the 
Sheriff, and whisper for an instant. Prisoner and 
Sheriff hand them bills which they hastily put di their 
pockets, and come down stage again). How much did you 
say, Judge ? 

Judge. Forty dollars apiece. 



40 A READY-MADE SUIT. 

Both {drawing forth their borrowed twenty dollar bills 
and looking at them ruefully). Charge it, Judge. 

Judge. Very well, gentlemen. {To Clerk. j Charge 
eighty dollars apiece — we always make a slight advance for 
charging. 

(P. C. a7id P. A. groan). 

Judge. Have you anything to add to your argument, Mr. 
Film ? 

P. A. {gloomily). No, your Honor. 

Judge. Glad to hear it. {Rising and addressing Jury). 
You have heard the evidence brought forward in this case, 
and it now devolves upon you to weigh that evidence, and to 
pronounce upon the guilt or innocence of the accused. If 
you are convinced that the prisoner at the bar is guilty, per- 
haps you had better keep your conviction to yourselves for 
the sake of your reputation for ordinary intelligence, if you 
have found any less intelligent than yourselves who have 
endowed you with such a reputation. But if you think she 
is innocent, perhaps the best thing you can do to redeem 
yourselves from the imputation of absolute idiocy, will be to 
say so as briefly and with as few grammatical and other errors 
as possible. In regard to the well-known principle of com- 
mon law cited by the prisoner's counsel, I have a few words 
of explanation and instruction. The phrase, — '*it takes nine 
tailors to make a man," — may be regarded either in an 
arithmetical or a sartorial sense. In the latter case, man is 
regarded as a mere Dude, and the artistic product of nine 
tailors. Similarly we have, — " It is not the coat that makes 
the man." Now this, regarded from one point of view in- 
volves an absurdity, for manifestly the coat does not make 
the man, because, per contra, the man makes the coat. 
Whereas, on the other hand, if we say, — ♦' It is not the coat 
that makes the man, it is th^ pants,''"' — then all becomes 
clear as mud. So it is, similarly, with the principle we 
started with. It is my opinion that it should be interpreted 
arithmetically in the sense that nine tailors are but the marital 
or other equivalent of one man, though this leaves us still in 
doubt what a man really is. The prisoner has stated irrele- 
vantly that I once attempted to kiss her in a hallway. This 
is, of course, untrue, the agent in that case having been a 
man, no doubt, who bore a strong personal resemblance to 
me. {Pause.') If I knew who said "Poor devil" then, I 
would fine him five dollars. I only mention that it was not I 



A READY-MADE SUIT. 4I 

who kissed the prisoner in order to vindicate my well known 
good taste in such matters. I don't want you to consider it 
in your verdict, nor to press hardly on her on that account. 
Perhaps on the whole, as it is getting late, and as she is a 
married woman, you had better acquit her on condition that 
she will never do it again. For my part, I have some feeling 
for her family, some of whom, I understand, are present, and 
if I ever erred — which I do not — would prefer to do so on 
the side of leniency. (^The Jury cotisiilt.) 

Clerk {after a pause). Gentlemen of the Jury, have you 
agreed upon your verdict ? 

Foreman (i^ishig). We have. The prisoner at the bar 
is pronounced by this Jury to be N. G. 

All. N. G. 

Foreman. Not guilty. 

Clerk. The prisoner is discharged. 

(Prisoner's Counsel congratulates Prisoner. The 
nine husbands th?-eaten Prosecuting Att'y, who protests 
in dumb show. Jury, Judge, etc., in their places. Tableau. 

Curtain. 



ii 



THE REArUNG CIATF> AM> HANDY SPFAKEK. Rcing Belie 
tions in Prose and Poet:y, iSerious, lluinorouf*, I'alhetic, ratrioLic, and 
Dramatic, for Readings and Recilations. Edited by George M. Bakek. 
I'apcr cover, lifteeu cents each part. 

CONTENTS OF READING-CLUB NO. 1. 



At the Soldiers' Graves. 

Battle-Hymn. 

" Boofer Lady," The. 

Brickla^'ers, The. 

Bumpkin's Courtship, The. 

Charles Sumner. 

" Curfew must not ring To-night." 

Closet Scene, The. (" Hamlet.") 

Defiance of Harold the Dauntless. 

Der Drummer. 

Dentsch Maud Muller, The. 

Doorstep, The. 

Factory-girl's Diary, The. 

Farmer Bent's Sheep-washing. 

Godiva. 

" Good and Better." 

Happiest Couple, The. (From the 

" School for Scandal.") 
Happy Life, 'J'he. 
Haiis Breitmann's Party. 
Hour of Prayer, The. 
How Terry saved his Bacon. 
How He saved Si. Michael's. 
In the Tunnel. 
Jakie on Watermelon-pickle. 
Jester's Sermon, The. 
•' Jones." 



Mahmoud. 

Mistletoe-Bough, The. 

Mr. Caudle and his Second "Wife. 

Mr. O'Gallagher's Three Roads to 

Learning. 
Nobody There. 
Old Age. 

Old Farmer Gray gets Photographed. 
Old Methodist's Testimony, The. 
Overthrow of Belshazzar. 
Puzzled Census-Taker, The. 
Popping the Question. 
Red Jacket, The. 
Rob Roy MacGregor. 
Samson. 

Senator's Pledge, The. 
Showman's Courtship, The. 
Squire's Story, The. 
Story of the Bad Little Boy who 

didn't come to Grief, The. 
Story of the Faithful Soul, The. 
Stranger in the pew, A. 
Tauler. 

Voices at the Throne, The. 
Whistler, The. 
Yankee and the Dutchman's Dog, 

The. 



Contents of Reading-Club No. 2. 



Address of Spotty cus. 

Baby Atlas. 

l^aby's Soliloquy, A. 

Beauty of Youth, The. 

Biddy's Troubles. 

Bobolink, The. 

Broken Pitcher, The. 

By the Alma River. 

Calling a Boy in the Morning. 

Cooking ai)d Courting. 

Curing a Cold. 

Double Sacrifice, The. 

Farm-yard Song. 

Fortuiie-Hunter, The. 

Croj n' Home To-day. 

Harry and I. 

In the Bottom Drawer. 

Last Ride, The. 

Ijcarned Xegro, The. 

Little Puzzler, The. 

Man with a Cold in his Head, The. 

Merchant of Venice, Trial Scene. 

Modest Cousin, The. 

Militia General, A. 

•' Nearer, my God, to Thee." 



Old Ways and the New, The. 

Opening of the Piano, The. 

Our Visitor, and What He came for. 

Over the River. 

Paddock Elms, The. 

Pickwickians on Ice, The. 

Picture, A. 

Press On. 

Possession. 

Quaker Meeting, The. 

Queen Mab. 

Rescue, The. 

Shadow on the Wall, The. 

Short Sermon, A. 

Sisters, The. 

Sunday Morning. 

There is no Death. 

Tobe's Monument. 

Toothache. 

Tragical Tale of the Tropics, A. 

Traveller's Evening Song, A. 

Two Anchors, The. 

Two Irish Idyls. 

What's the Matter with that None? 

Workers and Thinkers. 



Contents of Reading-Club No. 3. 



Appeal in Behalf of American Lib- 
erty. 

Ambition. 

Auction Mad. 

Amelia's Unfortunate Young Man. 

Ballad of the Oysterman, The. 

Bob Cratchit's Christmas-Dluner. 

Bone and Siuew and Brain. 

Bunker Hill. 

Burial of the Dane, The. 

Church of the Best Liclis, The. 

Countess and the Serf, The. 

Deck-Hand and the Mule, The. 

Evils of Ignorance, The. 

First Snow-fall, The. 

Flower-mission, Junior, The. 

For Love. 

Fra Giucomo. 

How i'ersimmons took Cah ob der 
Baby. 

Jonesville Singin' Quire, The. 

Last Tilt, The. 

Lay of Real Life, A. 

Law of Kindness, The. 

Losses. 

Mad Luce. 

Miuute-meii of '75, The 



Mosquitoes. 

Mr. Stiver's Horse. 

(.)de. 

Old Fogy Man, The. 

Pat and the Oysters. 

Recantation of Galileo, The. 

Roast I'ig. A Bit of Lamb. 

Roman Soldier, The. 

Riding down. 

Schneider's Tomatoes. 

School of Reform, Scenes from the. 

Similia Siniilibus. 

Singer, The. 

Solemn Book-Agent, The. 

Sons of New England, The. 

Speech of the Hon. Perverse Peabody 

on the Acquisition of Cuba. 
Temperance. 
Twilight. 

Two Loves and a Life. 
Two Births. 

Uncle Reuben's Baptism, 
Victories of Peace, The. 
AVeddiug-Fee, The. 
Wolves, The. 
What the Old Man said. 



\, 



Contents of Reading-Club No. 4 



Battle Flag of Sigurd, The. 

" Business " in Mississippi. 

Bell of Atri, The. 

Cane-bottomed Chair, The. 

Cobbler's Secret, The. 

Cuddle Doon. 

Custer's Last Charge. 

Daddy Worthless. 

Decoration. 

Dignity of Labor, The. 

Elder SnitHe's Courtship. 

Goin' Somewhere. 

Grandfather. 

He Giveth His Beloved Sleep. 

Hot Roasted Chestnut, The. 

Housetop Saint, The. 

" Hunchback," Scene from the. 

Indian's Claim, The. 

Joan of Arc. 

Leedle Yawcob Strauss. 

Little Black-eyed Rebel, The. 

Little Hero, The. 

Little Shoe, A. 

Lost Cats. The. 

Mary Maloney's Philosophy. 



Minot's Ledge. 

Mother's Fool. 

Mr. O'Hoolahan's Mistake. 

Mr. Watkins celebrates. 

My Neighbor's Baby. 

Palmetto and the Pine, The. 

Pip's Fight. 

Post-Boy, The. 

Pride of Battery B, The. 

" Palace o' the King, The." 

Paper don't Say, The. 

Penny ye meant to gi'e, The. 

Question, A. 

Robert of Lincoln. 

Song of the Dying, The. 

St. John the Aged. 

"^I'ramp, The. 

Tom. 

Two Portraits. 

Village Sewing Society, The. 

Way Astors are Made, The. 

What is a Minority ? 

Widder Green's Last Worda. 

William Tell. 

Zenobia'fl Defence. 



^ 



Contents of Reading-Club No. 5. 



A Blessing on the Dance. 

A Charge with I'riiice Rupert. 

A Mysterious Disappearance. 

Art-Matters in Indiana. 

A Rhine Legend. 

A Watch that " Wanted Cleaning. 

An Exciting Contest. 

An Indignation-Meeting. 

An Irisli Wake. 

Ballad of a Baker. 

Ballad of Constance. 

Ballad of Ronald Clare. 

Between the Lines. 

Burdock's Goat. 

Butterwick's Weakness. 

Dot Baby off Mine. 

Edith helps Things along. 

Failed. 

Faithful Little Peter. 

Five. , 

From the Sublime to the Ridiculous. 

Good-By. 

" If We Knew." 

Last Redoubt. 

MoUie, or ISadie? 



Noble Revenge. 

Not Dead, but Risen. 

" One of the Boys." 

Scene from " London Assurancff." 

Scene from " The Marble Heart." 

Sideways. 

Somebody's Mother. 

Something Spilt. 

Taci and Talent. 

The Amateur Spelling-Match. 

The Blue and Gray. 

The Bridge. 

The Canteen. 

The Dead Doll. 

The Flood and the Ark. 

The Honest Deacon. 

The Kaiser's Feast. 

The Little Shoes did it. 

The Scotchman at the Play. 

The Seven Ages. 

'J'he Two Glasses. 

Tired Mothers. 

Uncle Remns's Revival Hymn. 

Whistling in Heaven. 

Why Biddy and I'at got Married. 



Contents of Reading-Club No. 6. 



A Disturbance in Church. 

A Disturbed Parent. 

A Christmas Carol. 

A Miracle. 

♦' A Sweeter Revenge." 

An Irish Love-Letter. 

Behind Time. 

Blind Ned. 

Cavalry Charge, The. 

Clerical Wit. 

" Conquered at Last." 

Count Eberhard's Last Fo -ay. 

Deaf and Dumb. 

Der Shoemaker's Poy. 

Down with the Heathen Chinee! 

Fight at Lookout. 

Fireman's Prayer. 

Greeley's Ride. 

Great Future. 

Immortality. 

Joe's Bespeak. 

John Chinaman's Protest. 

Jim Lane's Last Message. 

Mr. Coville proves Mathematics. 

Nationality. 



One Touch of Nature. 

Paddy O'Rafthcr. 

Putty and Varnish. 

Reserved Power. 

Ship-Boy's Letter. 

Sweet Singer of Michigan. 

Tacking Ship off Shore. 

Tammy's Prize. 

Talk about Shooting. 

Ten Years after. 

The Benediction. 

The Changed Cross. 

The Fan Drill. 

The Farmer's Story. 

The Fountain of Youth. 

The King's Kiss. 

The Palmer's Vision. 

The Sergeant of the Fiftieth. 

The Well-Digger. 

«< Them Yankee Blankits." 

They Met. 

Virginius to the Roman Army. 

Warning to Woman. 

Weaving the Web. 

Widow Stebbius on Homtjeopathy. 



Contents of Reading-Club No. 7. 



A College Widow. 

A Free Seat. 

A Humorous Dare-Devil. 

All's Well that ends Well. 

A London Bee Story. 

A Modern Heroine. 

A Modern Sermon. 

A Reminiscence. 

A Royal Princess. 

Ave Maria. 

Civil War. 

Creeds of the Bells. 

" Dashing Rod," Trooper. 

Down Hill with the Brakes off. 

Drawing Water. 

Family Portraits. 

Fool's Prayer. 

Greatest Walk on Record. 

Hannibal at the Altar. 

" He giveth His Beloved Sleep." 

Hohenlinden. 

How Xeighbor Wilkins got Religion. 

How Randa went over the River. 

Irish Boy and Priest. 

Jimmy Butler and the Owl. 

Jim Wolfe and the Cats. 



Last Hymn. 

Left Alone at Eighty. 

Maud's Misery. 

National Game. 

New Dixie. 

On the Channel-Boat. 

Orient Yourself. 

Paddle Your Own Canoe. 

Patriot Spy. 

Pledge to the Dead. 

Pomological Society. 

Rhymes at Random. 

San Benito. 

St. Leon's Toast. 

That Calf. 

The Carpenter's Wooing, and tht 

Sequel. 
The Dead Student. 
The Ladies. 
The Pin. 
The Retort. 
The Singers' Alms. 
This Side and That. 
Two Fishers. 
Uncle Mellick dines with his Master. 



Contents of Reading-Club No. 8. 



A Brick. 

A Colored Debating Society. 

Along the Line. 

A New Version of the Parable of the 

Virgins. 
An Evangel. 
Annie's Ticket. 
Apples — A Comedy. 
A Sermon for the Sisters. 
A Thirsty Boy. 
Aunt Phillis'sGuest. 
Ballad of the Bell-Tower. 
" Christianos ad Leones! " 
City Man and Setting Heu. 
Daisy's Faith. 
De 'Sperience oh Reb'rend Quacko 

Strong. 
Defence of Lucknow. 
Dutch Security. 
Ya.«.i Mail. 
Father William. 
From One Standpoint. 
Girl of the Crisis. 
Grave of the Greyhound. 
Indian Warrior's Defence. 
Labor is Worship. 



Lanty Leary. 

Last of the Sarpints. 

Legend of the White Hand. 

Loudon Zoological Gardens. 

Masked Batteries. 

Miss Edith's Modest Request. 

Mrs. Brown at the Play. 

Old Grimes. 

People will laugh. 

Peril of the Mines. 

Parody on " Father William." 

Patter of the Shingle. 

Paul Clifford's Defence. 

Shiftless Neighbor Ball. 

Song of the Mystic. 

The Baron's Last Banquet. 

"^rhe Captive. 

The Dilemma. 

The Divorce Feast. 

The Farmer and the Barrister. 

The Man with a Bear. 

The Story of the Tilen. 

The Outlaw's Yarn. 

The Rich Man and the Poor Maa> 

Two Dreams. 

Yankee Courtship. 




[ 



Contents of Reading-Club No. 9. 



Antoinette. 

Antony to Cleopatra. 

Awfully Lovely Philosophy. 

Cam, The. 

Cheek. 

Claiibel's Prayer. 

Cleopatra Dying. 

Da<?ger Scene from '* The Wife," 

The. 
Dandy Fifth, The. 
Don Squixet's Ghost. 
Gingerbread. 
Hannah. 
" He and She." 
Hero Woman, The. 
Holly Branch, The. 
Jan Steener's Ride. 
Johnny on Snakes. 
King's Bell, The. 
Legend of Saint Barbara, The. 
Legend of the Organ-Builder. 
Life in Death. 
Little Girl's Song, The. 
Lookout Mountain. 
Loves of Lucinda. 
Mau Wich didn't drink Wotter, The. 



Make the Best of Every Thing. 

Marked Grave, The. 

Marriage of Santa Claus, The. 

Mice at Play. 

No Color Line in Heaven. 

Night Watch. 

Old Man's Dreams, An. 

One-legged Goose, The. 

Owl Critic, The. 

" Papa says so too." 

Poetry of Iron, The. 

Right must win, Tlie. 

Reviving de Sinners. 

Selling the P'ai-m. 

Setting a Hen. 

She would be a Mason. 

Similar Case, A. 

Sleep, The. 

So!ig of the North, The. 

Spiiining-wheel, The. 

Time. 

Tomato, The. 

Tramp of Shiloh, The. 

Very Naughty Little Girl's Viewg. 

Widow of Naiu, The. 



Contents of Reading-Club No. 10. 



Autumn Leaves. 

Autumn Thoughts. 

Baffled Book-Agent. The. 

Banker and the Cobbler, The. 

Brudder Johnson on 'Lectricity. 

Building and Being. 

Carcassonne. 

Chain of Gold, The. 

Charge of the Heavy Brigade. 

Christmas Elegy, A. 

Clown's Babyr*The. 

Confession, The. 

Conversion of Col. Quagg. 

Court Lady, A. 

Cruise of the "Monitor," The. 

Death of the Old Wife. 

Death of Steerforth. 

Garfield. 

Hark ! 

How the Colonel took It. 

Intensely Utter. 

Jackdaw of Rheiras, The. 

Mate of the " Betsy Jane," The. 

Nebuchadnezzah. 

No Time like the Old Time. 



No Yearning for the Beautiful. 

" Ole Marster's " Christmas. 

Our Baby. 

Parting Lovers, The. 

Penitent, A. 

Purpose, A. 

Round of Life, The. 

Ramon. 

Rather Embarrassing. 

Ravenswood's Oath. 

Robert Emmett's Last Speech. 

Saving Mother. 

Scene from " Mary Stuart." 

Serenade, The. 

Sharpshooter's Miss, The. 

Sooner or Later. 

Story of a Stowaway, The. 

Squire Houston's Marriage Ceremony, 

The Way Rube Hoffenstein sells. 

This means You, Girls. 

Tickled All Oafer. 

Union of Blue and Gray, 

Widow to Her Son, The. 

Wild Weather Outside. 

Young Grimes. 



i; 



Contents of Reading-Club -No. 11. 



Abraham Lincoln and the Poor 
Woman. 

Big Ben Bollon. 

Bivouac of the Dead, The. 

(captain's Tale, The. 

Cataract of Lodore, The. 

Charge at Valley Maloy, The. 

Child's Evening' Prayer, The. 

Clear Bargain, A. 

Closing iSceiie, The. 

Convent Robbing. 

Countersign was "Mary," The. 

Crutch in the Corner. 

Drifted Out to Sea. 

"Fall In." 

For Life and Death. 

Glimpse of Death, A. 

Going towards Sundown. 

Garibaldi and His Companions. 

Kelly's Ferry. 

Last upon the Roll. 

Leedle Yawcob Strauss : "SVhat He 
says. 

Magnificent Poverty. 

Mr. Murphy explains His Son's Con- 
duct. 

Mysterious Rappings. 



Nearer Home. 

No Precedent. 

Old Man goes to Town, The. 

O'thello. 

" Mebbe," Joe's True Feesh Story. 

Paddy's Metamorphosis. 

Pat's Bondsman. 

Pericles to the People. 

" Picciola." 

Red O'Neil, The. 

Reflections on the Needle. 

Roland Gray. 

Second Review of the Grand Army. 

Silver Cup, The. 

Snow-storm, The. 

Speculation. 

Suckers on de Corn. 

" Treadwater Jim." 

ITnfoi-gotten Foe, The. 

Variegated Dogs. 

Virginny. 

^\'aishee, "Washee. 

What saved the Union. 

Wonderful Tar Baby Story, The. 

Wreck of the White Ship. 

Yawcob Strauss. 



Contents of Reading-Club No. 12. 



Esthetic Housekeeper, The. 

Asking the Gov'nor. 

Asleep at the Switch. 

Awkward. 

Bad Mix, A. 

Boys Who Never got Home, The. 

Concurrent Testimony. 

Cruise of the " Nancy Jane," The. 

Discontented Pendulum, The. 

Doctor's Wedding, The. 

Enoch of Calaveras, The. 

Fire! Fire! 

Fire-Worshippers, The. 

Funny Small Boy, The. 

Good-by, Proud "World. 

How Dennis took the Pledge. 

How He Made It. 

How Tim's Prayer was answ^ered. 

House that Jack built. The. 

Ideal of Woman, An. 

I have drank my Last Glass, Boys. 

Jack at All Trades, A. 

Jiidge Pitman's Watch. 

Katie's Answer. 

Little Presbyterian Maid, The. 

Little Rocket's Christmas. 



Lncille's Mistake. 

Making Love in the Choir. 

Memory. 

Money Musk. 

Mike McGaffaty's Dog. 

Nancy Sykes. 

New Church Doctrine, The. 

Night after Christmas, The. 

" Norval." 

Old Knight's Treasure, The. 

Only a Crippled Soldier. 

Pat and the Pig. 

Pegging Away. 

Penn's Monument. 

Policeman's Story, The. 

Postilion of Nagold, The. 

Public Grindstone, The. 

Scene from " Leah the Forsaken." 

Soldiers' Monument, The. 

Signing the Pledge. 

Sun-Burst. 

The Three Little Chairs. 

Two Ways of Telling a Story. 

Veterans', The. 

War with Alcohol, Th«. 



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4. JOHN "WOPPS. A Farce in 1 Act. By 

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*3. AUNT CHARLOTTE'S MAID. Aiarceinl 
Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 3 female char. 
14 BROTHER BILL AND ME. A Farce in 
1 Act. By W. E. Suter. 4 male, 3 female char. 

16. DONE ON BOTH SIDES. A Farce in 1 

Act. By J. M. Morton. S male, 2 female char. 

■>fl. DUNDUCEETTY'S PICNIC. A'Farce in 1 

Act. By T. J. Williams. 6 male, 3 female char. 

17. I'VE WRITTEN TO BROWNE. A Farce 
f^ in 1 Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 male, 3 female 

char. 
10, MY PRECIOUS BETSY. A Farce in 1 

Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 male, 4 female char. 
flO. MY TURN NEXT. A Farce in 1 Act. By 

T. J. Williams. 4 male, 3 female char. 

22. THE PHANTOM BREAKFAST. A Farce 

in 1 Act. ]3y Chas. Selby. 3 male, 2 female char. 

23. DANDELION'S DODGES. A Farce in 1 

Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 male, 2 female char. 

24. A SLICE OP LUCK. A Farce m 1 Act. By 

J. M. Morton. 4 male, 2 female char. 

25. ALWAYS INTENDED. A Comedy in 1 

Act. By Horace Wigan. 3 male, 3 female char. 
26 A BULL IN A CHINA SHOP. A Comedy 
in 2 Acts. By Charles Matthews. 6 male, 4 
female char. ^ 

27. ANOTHER GLASS. A Drama in 1 Act. By 

Thomas Morton. 6 male, 3 female char. 

28. BOWLED OUT. A Farce in 1 Act. ByH. 

T. Craven. 4 male, 3 female char. 

29. COUSIN TOM. A Commedietta in 1 Act. By 

Geo. Roberts. 3 male, 2 female char. 
SO. SARAH'S YOUNG MAN. A Farce in 1 
Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 male, 3 female char. 

31. HIT HIM, HE HAS NO FRIENDS. A 

Farce in 1 Act. By E. Yates and N. H. Har- 
rington. 7 male, 3 female char, 

32. THE CHRISTEISriNG. A Farce in 1 Act. 

By J. B. Buckstone. 5 male 6 female char. 

33. A RACE FOR A WIDOW. A Farce in 1 

Act. By T. J. Williams. 5 male, 4 female char. 

34. YOUR LIFE'S IN DANGER. A Farce in 

1 Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 3 female char. 

35. TRUE UNTO DEATH. A Drama in 2 Acts, 
nk By J. Sheridan Knowles. 6 male, 2 female char. 



36. DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. An Interlude 
an 1 Act. By W. H. Murray. 10 male, 1 female 
3i3flr. 

.. LOOK AFTER BROWN. A Farce in 1 Act. 
By George A. Stuart, M. D. 6 male, 1 female 
char. 

38. MONSEIGNEUR. A Drama in 3 Acts. By 

Thomas Archer. 15 male, 3 female char. 

39. A VERY PLEASANT EVENING. A 

Farce in 1 Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 male char. 

40. BROTHER BEN. A Farce in 1 Act. Bjr 5» 

M. Morton. 3 male, 3 female char. 

41. ONLY A CLOD. A Comic Drama in 1 Act 

By J. P. Simpson. 4 male, 1 female char. 

42. GASPARDO THE GONDOLIER. A 

Drama in 3 Acts. By George Almar. 10 male, 
2 female char. 

43. SUNSHINE THROUGH THE CLOUDS. 

A Drama in 1 Act. By Slingsby Lawrence. 3 
male, 3 female char. 

44. DONT JUDGE BY APPEARANCES. A 

Farce in 1 Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 2 
female char, 

45. NURSE Y CHICKWEED. A Farce in 1 Act 

By T. J. Williams. 4 male, 2 female char. 

46. MARY MOO ; or, Which shall I MarryP 

A Farce in 1 Act By W. E. Suter, 2 male, 1 
female char. 

47. EAST LYNNE. A Drama in 5 Acts. 8 male. 

7 female char. 

48. THE HIDDEN HAND. A Drama in 5 Acts. 

By Robert Jones. 16 male, 7 female char. 

49. SILVERSTONE'S WAGER. A Commedi- 

etta in 1 Act. By R. R. Andrews. 4 male, 3 fe- 
male char. 

50. DORA. A Pastoral Drama in 3 Acts. By Chas. 

Reade. 5 male, 2 female char. 
65. THE WIFE'S SECRET. A Play in 5 Acts. 
By Geo. W. Loveli. 10 male, 2 female char. 

56. THE BABES IN THE WOOD. A Com- 

edy in 3 Acts. By Tom Taylor. 10 male. 3 te- 
male char. 

57. PUTKINS -, Heir 1 3 Castles in the Air. 

A Comic Drama in i Act By W. R. Emerson. 

2 male, 2 feaiale char. 

68. .a.N UGI,Y CUSTOMER. AFarceinl^ct 
By Th^mjs J. Williams. 3 male, 2 female char. 

59. BLUE AND CHERRY. A Comedy in 1 Act 

3 male, 2 female char. 

60. A DOUBTFUL VICTORY. A Comedy in 

1 Act 3 male, 2 female char. 

61. THE SCARLET LETTER. A Drama in S 

Acts. 8 male, 7 female char. 

62. WHICH WILL HAVE HIM P A Vaude- 

ville. 1 male, 2 female char. 

63. MADAM IS ABED. A VaudeviUe in 1 Act 

2 male, 2 female char. 

64. THE ANONYMOUS KISS. A VaudeviUe. 

2 male, 2 female char. 

65. THE CLEFT STICK. A Comedy in 3 Acts. 

5 male, 3 female char. 

66. A SOLDIER, A SAILOR, A TINKER, 

AND A TAILOR. A Farce in 1 AcJ. 4 male, 
2 female char. 

67. GIVE A DOG A BAD NAME. A Farce. 

2 male, 2 female char. 

68. DAMON AND PYTHIAS. A Farce. 8 

male, 4 female char. ^ 

69. A HUSBAND TO ORDER. A Serio-comic 

Drama in 2 Acts. 5 male, 3 female char. 

70. PAYABLE ON DEMAND. A Domestic 
■ Drama in 2 Acts. 7 male, 1 female char. 



Descriptive Catalogue mailed free &n application t9 

WALTEK H. BAKER & CO., Old South Block, 

No. 10 Milk St., Boston. 




MEYER'S CELEBRATED GR..hJ..^ rm"i 1."^^ 

We are now prepared to furnish a full line of Grease Paints of the celebrated make 
of Charles Meyer, at the manufacturer's price. These paints ai'e acknowledged I'v 
professionals to be the best, and are in general use in our theatres. Compared to tin.- 
old method of using powders, these paints are far superior, as they impart a clearc r 
and more life-like appearance to the skin, and, being of a greasy nature, cannot easily 
be affected by perspiration. We can supply the following necessary colors, put up 
in a neat box, with full directions for use, "viz. : Light Flesh, Dark Flesh, Brown, 
iilack. Lake, White, Carmine, and Slate. Price, $i.oo. 



We have also the following extra colors : 



Very pale Flesh Color. 

Light P'lesh, deeper tint. 

Natural Flesh Color, for 
juvenile heroes. 

Rosy Tint, for juvenile 
heroes. 

Deeper shade, for juve- 
nile heroes. 



for 



Done up in sticks of four inches in lengtl 
made to order. 



Healthy Sunburned 
juvenile heroes. 

Healthy Sunb'ned, deep- 
er shade. 

Sallow, for young men. 

Healthy Color, for mid- 
dle ages. 

Sallow, for old age. 

at 25 cents each 



NO. 

11. Ruddy, for old age. 

12. Olive, healthy. 

13. Olive, lighter shade. 

14. Gvpsv riesh color. 

15. Othello. 

16. Chinese. 

17. Indian. 
iS. East Indian. 



Any other color 



LINING COLORS: Brown, Black, Lake, and White, 15 cents each, 
and White, large sticks, 25 cents each. 



Carmine 



MEYER'S WELL-KNOWN FACE PREPARATIONS. 

Justh' recommended by tlie profession as being the best. 

CREAM EXORA. — In large china pots. A very fine preparation for beauti- 
fying the complexion, in diffei-ent shades, as follows : No. i. White; No 2, Tint 
of Rose; No. 3, Darker Shade (brunette). 50 and 75 cents per box. 

ADHESIVE POWDER. —For sticking on Mustaches, Whiskers, etc. 
Price, 25 cents per box. 

COCOA BUTTER. — For removing grease paint. Large pieces, 25 cents. 



nnRiN'<^ { Rouge de Theatre. 1 p ■ . , 

DOKIN b I Blanc de Theatre. ) 1 '^ce, 35 cents each. 



BAKER'S SMOKE POTS. — Having considerable call for an article for 
niaking smoke for fire scenes, etc., we have made arrangements with the pyro- 
teclinist of the Boston Theatre to supply us with the best article for that purpose; 
we can now furnish smoke pots, entirely free from stench and producing a thick 
white smoke, in two sizes, at 35 and 50 cents each. 

BAKER'S BLACK OPERA CORK. — For Ethiopian Singers and Actors. 

^o cents per box. 

BAKER'S TABLEAU LIGHTS. -Red, Green, and White. Price, 25 
cents each. 

These lights are put up especially for our trade, and cannot be excelled for 
brilliancy. Thev burn with as little smoke as any preparation for like purpose. 
The white is especially brilliant, rivalling the magnesium light in intensity. We 
have the above solidified for mailing purposes, enough for three lights in a pack- 
age, at the same price. 

The Tableau Lights will be sold in hulk, put up in tin boxes, not less than 
half a pound of a color, at $1.50 per pound ; sent only by express. 



We can furnish any of the articles advertised in the catalogues of other publishers 
of plays, at list prices. 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO., 10 Milk Street, Boston. 



